Matter

Do I matter really?
I wonder sometimes,
It like I reach out to people in recovery and help them get some
Then they drop me.
I can understand it when we spent alot of time together
And they need their room.
But, how long does it take to get room?

Do I just reach out to people who are controlling?
When I reach out to them are they just in a place of no control?
I feel used.
Should I feel this way.
Some I talked to probably too much, on a daily basis
But what the "Fuck" now they act like I am nobody.
It's like we never talked.

Maybe it is codependency but to a point isn't normal?
How can someone reach to someone for so long and then say,
Thanks but I don't fucking need you now.
Thanks for helping me when no one was there for me.
However, you are a piece a shit and I don't need you.
We don't owe you anything.

I wish I could drop them out of my life like they have done me.
It would be nice not to keep caring for them but I can't.
I want to know that I matter.
Maybe this is self-pity but is not partly their fault too?
I don't want to necessarily talk daily or get an email daily
But something in a personal way sent to me, would be nice.

I tired of feeling kind of like a toilet.
Good place to shit and piss then forget about.
I make mistakes but isn't that human.
Maybe nobody really considers me human.
Do I matter for anything?

Want to blog but not sure

Started going to a writer's club, on the first Saturday this month, which has been around for at least 16 years. Cool thing is that they say the purpose of having everyone published. There were 5 people there and all had been published and different kinds of writing. They said usually about 12 people there. First Saturday we do exercises and third we bring 3 double spaced pages, 12 copies for clique.
I wasn't feeling good today so missed it today.