Feeling anger and wanting to actout

Just barely feeling or noticing the feeling of anger. How I started to notice it was that even though had sex still wanting look at nudes and have sex with women that aren't hookers. Like it will make me feel better or maybe it's the hope of feeling something like, remorse or guilt.

Vague memories

In the last couple months I have started have vague memories of being raped by my grandfather while in counseling. (So, is there a way to hurry up the healing.) This is the man that family has thought of as one of the nice people in the world and in my mind he was also. Now that I know whom it was that (maybe first) raped me is changing but there is forgiveness and anger. It's not why did he do it but why me?

What hell I do to deserve it? What does God have planned for me in that He would allow me to go through something so horrible? There must be something great for all the suffering that I have gone through.

Feeling kind of blue. Up my Lexapro (8/03) to 15mg hoping to feel more. Feel something is still missing.

Doing crunches this week on my bed has led to attacks. I noticed that there is a feeling of rape and I think or feel that my dad, brother or my mother's second husband were involved. Still not sure who or when but writing this is bring up fear of being discovered and little shame. Shame in writing it down. Fear if one of them was to see it.

I remember as an early teen living in Oklahoma w/my Dad and step-mom, even the year or so before being a teen. I was alone no one was really allowed over and I was allowed really to go anywhere. It's seem bad when you think about being that age and have to play w/imagery friends. I run around the yard or ride the mini-bike to avoid being in the house.

I hate not being able to have anyone I can real rely on. I know that I can rely on Jesus but it would be nice to have a person whom I can count on. I know that everyone lets us down once in a while but I like to have someone more reliable.

I feel kind guilty for not blogging in a while. Then again it is for me and no one else.

Gratitude though does have a lot to do with it. I am grateful to have this as a place to write things down. Things feel just a little off and I am not sure why. My sponsor pointed out that it could just be that my prospective on life is off, like what is real or not.

I start seeing a new counselor, therapist or psychologist on the 19th. I think I going to ask about hypnosis to see if I can get the past faster. My paralysis hasn't been as big a deal recently but physical pain has gotten worse. I believe that is part of my condition and that something is trying to surface. And I am scared of being catatonic for the rest of my life. I know that most like it won't happen but the fear is there. The other fear is that I will have to confront my family and I don't think it will help any. I started to feel somewhat comfortable around my family so why mess it up?


Why can't just deal with it and move on? I know I am willing, is there something besides willingness that is needed? What part of honesty do I need? Or could there be fear of what if I accept it? Does accepting that I got raped, maybe, before the age of 6 make me less of a person? Does saying that give more power to that person?

Body memory

One day laying in bed on my side and belly with one leg pulled up I felt like I was expecting someone to come in and put something in me from behind. I could almost feel the body there but also knowing that is one of the pleasant ways for Diane and I to make love. It has a scary feeling that goes with it but almost an enchantment about it. The feeling of something forbidden. The problem with it is that I have no clue whom it is.

How do you know if it is a man or woman, because, both thighs and stomachs are soft. Then there is also the feeling that it is not just one person. Body memories are probably worse in a way than just memories because there is no voices, faces or anything, so they try to imply anyone.

Then how do you even talk to anyone about this feelings, sure they aren't normal? Plus there are the times when I wake up from naps or lay in bed at night where I don't move at all. Diane has commented a couple times about how still I am in bed at night. I'm starting to worry that I am schizophrenia.

Memory 1.0

This morning during my shower which I had turned up at the end I remember an experience when I was a kid about 7 with peppers. I know that seems strange but that what happened for me. I remember hating the fact that no one seemed to care what happened to me later on in life. In the last few years have been able to eat spicy food or take very hot showers. It just made me notice that I have always felt that what I said happened to me didn't matter, even when others were there. Mom seems to be the worst one about it.

Feelings 1.0

I decided to try to write my feeling every morning at least and see where that goes.

Uncertain, lost, unsure, dull, lifeless, anxious, restless and  mournful

I slept 6 hours. I read in Living Clean this morning and have the feeling that this is a mourning but I don't know what I am mourning. There seems to be a lost feel with Vicki but I don't know why. She got wrecked last night so it could be that she didn't live up to my fantasy again so is in me. I hate feeling like she disappointed me when she didn't.

So what am I trying not to feel? Despite what Keith said I am in this relationship because of love not denial. The hard part about my life is explaining that is how my life always is, whether a person is involved or not. It's just awareness of something trying to get out or come up. I know that there is fear of knowing what happened in the past, maybe, fear that it wasn't as bad I thought.

Almost like a sadness because I don't have a story like most people. I seem to want to have a bad history so I can prove that I deserve to be loved and liked. What a sad thought that is. Why? Do I want to prove what Christ has done in my life or to be like most people in NA? It could be that I only feel things in an intense way so I want something bad just to feel?

Maybe, just longing to be with Vicki face to face.

Sad

Feeling sad and sure why. Don't know if there needs to be a reason. The song Scarborough Fair is a song that kind of fits, at least, the tune does. It's the kind of sad that doesn't seem to have any purpose at all. However, the good thing is today I know it is sad. I have lived for too long not really understanding what I felt and it is nice to know that is sad.

If you don't understand that is ok most people don't. Most people know what it is like to feel emotions and won't understand being glad to feel sad. But, I have gone most of my life having no idea what it felt like. It's a terrible existions not having emotions. People always telling you that you are wrong. I know that I do it something like that we Vicki so will need to watch out for it.
Scarborough Fair/Canticle

Something revealed

I have noticed that this last weekend that I have wanted sex more than I have in a while, at least more intensely. Some of it maybe because of Vicki moving into her own flat and the other part is her using Friday. I was reading in NA's Basic Text about honesty, willingness and open-mindedness and realized that I have been wanting it to fix the frustration I have been feeling. I know that her moving out of her family's home allows her to make more notice so it is partly just the idea being new again.

Frustration in her using her first night in her flat got to me and I wanted to use it to my advantage to get sex but I didn't. I managed to respect her and not force what I wanted. I know that humans do have the need for sex but I want to make love to her and not fuck her. So, if I am force her to give it to me it isn't making love. Forcing sex is a form of abuse to me and I can't allow myself to go there.

However, there is a lot of frustration in the fact that even though now I have a diagnosis that fits my condition doesn't make it any easier to deal with, most of the time. So, I am sure that I allow the frustration this situation to push me to push for sex. Another part that makes this frustrating is just because I admit to this doesn't make it go away right a way. I want a quick fix for her and me.

Transforming Anger: The HeartMath Solution for Letting Go of Rage, Frustration, and Irritation

Percy Gets Upset: Emotional Skills: Dealing with Frustration (Stuart J. Murphy's I See I Learn)

New Diagnosis

Well, Tuesday the 2nd I was informed that I have conditions called Conversion and Somatization Disorders which seems to be where you don't feel emotions and when they are ready to surface I get paralyzed. I also believe that I have Depersonalization and Dissociative Disorders. So, I will still need counseling.