Something revealed

I have noticed that this last weekend that I have wanted sex more than I have in a while, at least more intensely. Some of it maybe because of Vicki moving into her own flat and the other part is her using Friday. I was reading in NA's Basic Text about honesty, willingness and open-mindedness and realized that I have been wanting it to fix the frustration I have been feeling. I know that her moving out of her family's home allows her to make more notice so it is partly just the idea being new again.

Frustration in her using her first night in her flat got to me and I wanted to use it to my advantage to get sex but I didn't. I managed to respect her and not force what I wanted. I know that humans do have the need for sex but I want to make love to her and not fuck her. So, if I am force her to give it to me it isn't making love. Forcing sex is a form of abuse to me and I can't allow myself to go there.

However, there is a lot of frustration in the fact that even though now I have a diagnosis that fits my condition doesn't make it any easier to deal with, most of the time. So, I am sure that I allow the frustration this situation to push me to push for sex. Another part that makes this frustrating is just because I admit to this doesn't make it go away right a way. I want a quick fix for her and me.

Transforming Anger: The HeartMath Solution for Letting Go of Rage, Frustration, and Irritation

Percy Gets Upset: Emotional Skills: Dealing with Frustration (Stuart J. Murphy's I See I Learn)

Women and pain

I don't know but seems like with women I hurt them and don't know how to be a friend or be a boyfriend/lover. I hurt today because my online girlfriend started using 4 days ago again hard with coke. I have for the last 2 days tried to keeps my sexual addiction about abay for her. I feel hurt and betrayed. Part of me know I should not be surprised and Mercy say see I told you. But it doesn't fucking matter, I love her. I can do without sex I know it but it hurts. I want to fix her. I feel betrayed by women. 

My parents fucked me up as kid and know no one really seems to care. I feel betrayed by everyone really. I want people, especially a woman, to close to me no matter what happens. I tired of get close to a woman and then being told to fuck off. Seems like they always tell me I too fucked and I should act normal, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!

Like it was my fucking fault the one women decides to say let's voice so I hear her playing with herself. Ye, part of me wanted it but I didn't need it. I had told her I like it but didn't need her to. She me that I helped her with sex life and then it was like I abused her. I could of asked her more about her life and been a friend and not just a sex therapist in a way. But, seemed like when I did she say there's nothing to tell so that makes the fact that we talk alot about sex my fault. I am sure she will still blame because she was new in recovery and I should of left her alone. But I seem to remember that for months she wasn't talking to anyone else but I sure that doesn't count. No she hurting for what I have read and I don't what I can say because she's not really talking me. Ye, I want to fix her.

Ye, I want my girlfriend to make love to me online but don't have to have it. I trying to be honest with her about my feelings and things I have caught myself doing with others. But, she can get drugs and I can't stop her and I am not a good enough reason not too. I HATE THE FUCKING DISEASE OF ADDICTION IN ALL IT FORMS, EVEN SI. 

What does health mean? Ye, I'm fucking crying what you fucking going to do about. I'm angry at myself for caring too much about Mercy. Hate the way it hurts me and fucking comes up all the time. She thinks it about sex and I have no real clue why I get obsessed about her. I thought it was a friendship, strange one but a friendship. I hate the way she comes up in conversation with my girlfriend. I really want the best for her and her boyfriend. 

Why can't I have a good relationship with my girlfriend. How does my disease make it harder for her? God why the fuck does have to be hard for people to understand You. I want You to tell me that my girlfriend and I are going to be happy together and be health. I want to feel acceptable to people and for some fucking reason to have Mercy say you still like and cares for me. What the fuck that about?? What is it about her?

I want to learn to real show my girlfriend she is most important person to me with my son right there after her. I got 6 more years to get him to be his own person. I want him to grow up knowing that he is loved and cared for. Unlike me because if he doesn't get now it will be harder for him the rest of his life.I don't want Mercy to have so much power over me and worse part is she will probably just laugh at this. I want Dimitri to understand what love is. I want him to be better than me on the inside. 


I want to be able to talk to my girlfriend and feel that we love each other and not trying to hurt each other. I know that we aren't trying to hurt the other but it does happen. Today just hurts more than it has every. Maybe I my sexual addiction had it's hopes to high for this weekend. I don't know what to think, just feel betrayed. I don't think it is my girlfriend as it more myself that betrayed me. Too high expections on us. She got her limits and I got mine. I want her clean more than sex really, know women will think "ye right," but it is true. 


Song of the day Evanescence - Lose Control 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GyW0I-yjVE

hurting and learning

I'm hurting today because of the pain I caused my online girlfriend. We are trying to define what health sex is. It is difficult enough to do when you are together and having physical sex but online sex is worse. There is much to do together so that sex isn't topic subject on my mind. I was helping someone else for about 18 months, a woman, with sex therapy but the mistake was that I didn't focus on making sure other things were talked about. I wish I knew more about her but I'm not sure we can really talk now. I was sharing in a meeting today and she said hi and then left, it hurt more than if she hadn't said anything. I fucking hate the way it hurts because it's not her fault it's mine. Something can't be put back together but I hope we can still be good friends in the future. Part of the pain is that I have an online girlfriend and that seems to make the gap between us worse. I trying to give her the space she needs.

My online girlfriend finally got a sponsor yah but then my sexual addiction pressures her and she starts using hard again. I know that it is her choice but me pressuring makes it easier for her to keep using. We are working on staying honest about what is going on. Being in love with someone online that is in a different country make it difficult but not impossible.

WOW belong

I went to my first f2f Sex Addict Anonymous (SAA) for me. I felt like I belonged and fit in. I know I belong in NA but I talked to a guy afterward who's story sound somewhat like mine. There 4 guys and 4 women and  I was scared of the women. Partly scared they thought I would try to hit on them and partly afraid they would hit on me. There was only one woman that I would of like to be hit on by and she had 63 days clean from sexual addiction. I wanted to talk to her and her what her addiction was but I knew that I want to be come her new object of obsession. She keep looking at while she talked and I did notice that she looked at me more than others but I believe that was because I was new. Anyway, I will be going back.

SAA

Went to my first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting last night. Was a good meeting but I was freaking out because I didn't want to admit that about myself, even though I know it is true.