Left alone

I am feeling like I have been left alone tonight. I know that Vicki is just being what an addict is but hard not to take it personal. How does someone prove to someone else that their actions hurt more than they have any fucking clue? It hurts the most because it feels like she's never going to get it and there will not  be an/ us.

That's why it feels so personal. I wish I could say that I haven't thought that I be better off with someone in recovery but I do love her. But, my sponsor and therapist have asked if I was just holding on because it is convenient? I don't believe so but at times like this I am starting to wonder.

I feel that I still don't really matter and thing is Vicki thinks that just saying that she is thinking about the whole time she is out makes it ok (sounds like we have our gender roles reversed haha). Knowing that just makes matter worse instead of better, What the fuck does she think that says to me? It doesn't sound like fucking love. To me she out making love to coke not showing me love.

Wanting to be loved 2

Envying what others has more to do with emotional things than material. Material has never been a big thing for me because I know that they can be replaced. However, it impossible to really replace emotional things. There is no item that could ever replace the feeling of love. Acceptance is something that really only comes from others.

This envy seems to have a partner named resentment. I read that resentment is a vicious type of self-pity. There is an emotion that I am quite familiar with. Self-pity learns how to disguise itself as something else. Is it really self-pity that says "Why don't I get calls like everyone else?" Wow, maybe it's not really self-pity disguising itself as much as it is envy.

Envy, "As iron is eaten by rust, so are the envious consumed by envy —Livy." I think that this is worse thing that I learned because of the abuse as child. Physical and emotional with neglect is the worst; because, it can be done when the abuse is present as away. You see others with what looks like lots of friends and those that you hang out with aren't really friends. The part that make this the most dangerous is the fact that you can never get any proof one way or the other.

          

What's the difference?

I'm not sure what I thinking or what I want to know. I think I hope Mercy reads this and emails me some thoughts. I know that I have blogged about this before but still wondering. What is the difference between friendship and co-dependency?

I have many friendships that have gone by the wayside. I would like to know for sure if that is what is happening with Karin and Mercy. I had never been as close to a woman as I was to Mercy, was closer than with my ex. Now, I know that my relationship with Vicki is even closer than what Mercy and me had and not sure how to talk with Karin and Mercy now. (I guess I should say I hope Karin reads this too.) 

To a large degree I understand that my sexual addiction has become a problem with us. Maybe more in my head than in reality but I pretty sure that it is there too. There is no way to totally repair the damage done but it can heal. 

Anyway, I really want the both of you to know that I really miss the friendship we had and that I still care very much for you. I will be the best friend I can and hopeful that is good enough.

Do I really matter

I look at my life and there doesn't seem to be anything. What good do I do? Why isn't ok just die? Nobody cares rather I live or die, as matter of fact, I think most would be glad if I just didn't exist. Why can't I just disappear, no one would notice? Who fucking cares if I live or die? I just want to fucking die, please God let me die.

Raindrops

I have the fact that I love someone but they can't make a decision for me. I know what I am asking is difficult but she can't use the excuse anymore that she can't. She keeps deciding that the old mates, places and play things are too much fun to give up. I don't want to make this decision but Monday we will be talking. She decided that she had to do drugs instead of coming home and watching "Ghost" with me. 

I can't take her out of herself the way drugs can and the pain of knowing what she is doing is too painful. I am getting tired of the raindrops on my head every weekend. I will see what happens before I make anymore plans. I will stay in the here and now without planning the results of what will happen. The clouds will be thick this weekend for sure but I will survive. Raindrops won't kill me and will help something grow into something better. 

As right now there is decision of finality, just for now and next 2 days. I want to act out sexually but I promised her that I won't. Knowing I can still love her even in my pain and keep a commitment even though in long run for us it won't probably matter but it will to Jesus and I. My hope is that she will decide to leave the drugs & mates behind. I am going to honor the commitment about not starting conversations with 3 women for myself and her.

I think I must get lost in certain relationships and when the other person stops talking to me I feel very hurt. I try reaching out but seems that the relationship is destroyed beyond any kind of repair. I feel that I don't know what happens, maybe I have cross some boundary and didn't know. I want to be heard but my voice or text goes unheard. What am I? Am I only good for nothing or like a landfill, a place to leave shit?  I hope not but maybe one day someone will be kind of enough to tell me what I did.

Maybe I'm not mean enough or abusive enough for someone. I would like to think I am respectful enough to desire respect back. I don't know what I do to lose so many friends. Hopeful one day I can see it or someone will like me be nice and not leave me.

My words

My words seem to mean nothing to those I care about. If I something hurts me they act like so what. It's ok for them to treat me anyway they want. I know that comes from the way I was raised but seems to happen all the time. I try to treat others with the respect I want and most relationships start with me feeling it and then they change.

I tired of feelings like I have to be like a trash can and when I ask to share how I feel or what I want, even if I know they won't do it, I have done something wrong.

What go do I do? I seem to get involved with women that hurt bad and then when things start getting better for them that hurt me. Seems like when the get feeling better or something they tell me to fuck off, even if we are friends. I guess I'm should stay away from women.

Just Friends

I have some friendships that seems to lost in a cloud or in fog. Someone told me they didn't respect my recovery but I don't know ex-actually what that meant. I know that I can't be what everyone expect but would like to know that I can still be friends. I was hurt and still hurt when I think about it. I want to ask that person what they meant but know that it really doesn't matter. I would like to be able to talk to them without worry.

How do you make amends for a something that not sure what happened? Maybe I am asking for help from that person and to see if for now if a living amends would be ok until we know what to do or say. When I think about our friendship it seems like there was a lot of mutual respect for each other. Maybe I was a sympathy friendship. So, maybe I was saw as a lost puppy even though they need help getting into recovery.

I care this person and I want just to be part of their life.

Wanting to post

I want to post but don't how to start. I want to talk about my co-dependence issues but don't want to hurt or hurt others. I hurt because one the persons is avoiding me and I guess to a point I don't blame, it just hurts. I was told that they don't want me to say anything to them unless I have something to say. But, isn't friendship something that doesn't always mean you have anything really say but I just want you to know I care. How does is it impossible to keep a friendship once it has kind of fallen apart. 

I grateful that recently I have been learning that I have to have many things in life to have a life and that relationships have to have many things to talk about to be a real one. I let my relationships get to be about very little. I have asked my girlfriend to start finding things to do in her life so we can talk about things in her life. I have applied for a job online yesterday and have started to volunteer and next week I will start doing it more. Recovery is about getting a life and addiction is about being focus on one thing. I tired of addiction and want more of a life. 

I was trying to help someone with the abuse they had suffered and may or not helped them but I realized last night part of the reason that I focused so much on it was to see if I could trigger memories of mine. It was sick and the secret I was keeping from myself. Wow, maybe now I can learn to have a relationship with someone else!

hurting and learning

I'm hurting today because of the pain I caused my online girlfriend. We are trying to define what health sex is. It is difficult enough to do when you are together and having physical sex but online sex is worse. There is much to do together so that sex isn't topic subject on my mind. I was helping someone else for about 18 months, a woman, with sex therapy but the mistake was that I didn't focus on making sure other things were talked about. I wish I knew more about her but I'm not sure we can really talk now. I was sharing in a meeting today and she said hi and then left, it hurt more than if she hadn't said anything. I fucking hate the way it hurts because it's not her fault it's mine. Something can't be put back together but I hope we can still be good friends in the future. Part of the pain is that I have an online girlfriend and that seems to make the gap between us worse. I trying to give her the space she needs.

My online girlfriend finally got a sponsor yah but then my sexual addiction pressures her and she starts using hard again. I know that it is her choice but me pressuring makes it easier for her to keep using. We are working on staying honest about what is going on. Being in love with someone online that is in a different country make it difficult but not impossible.

Missing friends

I am really missing Mercy and Karin, just missing them. They became a nice part of my life. I don't think it is co-dependency just missing them.

Act Your age

I want to know what it means to act your fucking age. I was told a couple of days ago to act my age and like I have nearly 23 years of recovery. I fucking don't know what that means. I'm jealous of all the people that seem to get to act out sexually or pick up on newcomers. I want to be special the way I am but feel like everyone got exceptions of me but if I try one they tell me I can't do it. Why can't I try something different. I feel like everyone wants to keep in some kind of shell or cage.

What am I god. I feel like I'm suppose to be a stick in the mud or the best example of everything good and I don't fucking want it. I want to be human not a god.

song of the day, "Sweet Sacrifice," by Evanscence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1WqmTQMw_k

Do I really know

Do I really know how to be a friend. I feel like I get to know someone then I chase them away by being to close or asking wrong questions. I asked someone that I know how they were doing and just wanted to check on them and I felt like I was slammed. It was a person that I talked to daily and for the last few months we haven't hardly talked and I understand that I need to have something to talk to them most of the time but checking on them once in a while sounds like a friend.

I also noticed that my memory is pretty bad now. I was told about things and was told that I had been told them before I don't remember every being told any of the stuff. I remember really very little of what we talked about during the two years or more. I starting to believe that health issues part of this problem. Three years ago I how pretty good memory now it seems to be failing.

My life right now is just kind of at a stand still and don't seem to have much going on in my life. Am I trying to live through others, I don't think so. I think I am still just being a friend.

Distance

I think I am going to try distance and it maybe also that others are doing the same thing. I decided not to go to a recovery site because someone I care for asked me to go there but now it feels that I'm going to go just see that person and not for anyone else.I meet one else there but I don't feel comfortable there anymore. Some day in the future when I can separate my feelings I can go there but not now. I wasn't and have been called a stoker but maybe in a way I am. I think that is creepiness I feel inside. Do I care too much, maybe but I don't what is  called. I trying to get an understanding of my feeling and thoughts which others seem to be able to understand in themselves. I feel like a freak and if I say how I feel I will trying to copy someone else.

How do I love and care without hurting or getting hurt?

Creepy

Mercy says I kind of creepy because of obsession with her. I can't deny it and wish I could. But, I feel the creepiness in me. It not about Mercy it's just that she feels it and can name it better than me. For me it is a feeling of not having anything in myself. Mercy has helped me to see somethings in me that are creepy. Had do I explain that I feel empty inside. She used to talk to me alot and helped feel the space inside me. I'm grateful that I know that isn't her job or anyone else's. I trust that Jesus will feel it and is revealing it to me. I feel like there is suppose to be something there but I don't know what it is. 


I feeling like sex, masturbation, is trying to feel it or block something. Sex thoughts are becoming a way to block the past from coming up. When I try to think of doing anyone sex wants to control my thoughts. It's hard to feel that I have a life of my own and when I talk about things that I really like it sounds like I'm copying others. I know that really do like to write and art and nobody can t tell it not me. I have lost touch with that part me since I was 14 years old but it starting to come back now. Going to go to a writer's club here this Saturday and see what it is. I want to find the real me a person I think has never really had a chance to be out.

Song for the day "Stand In the Rain," by Superchick. Thanks Karin for the idea of the song of the day it is a great idea.

Frozen

I feel frozen and feel like I'm lost friends. Sex is becoming a bad obsession now. I want to remember my past but sex is the new drug, even though it is mainly masturbation. How now acted out with 2 different women online. Not sure how to stop. I want to go to SAA but I want to act out for a while and see how it makes me feel. Want the pain to go away. I wanted to be fixed so bad. How can I work one Program and still be so fucked up?

Jesus, please give me the strength to change. I need to work on schedule and goals for my counselor but I am afraid that it won't make a difference. She told me that my acting out is probably a result of the abuse in my childhood. I want to be my own person and not have my family inflicting pain on me and my friends anymore. I hate the pain that I have caused others, even though most haven't been touched by it. I can't help others much more without getting it out of me.

I need to develop my own hobbies to get out of my head. I start an anti-depressant tonight and hope it helps me slept better. Hoping that if I slept deeper than I can deal with the past. I barely feel the pain that has been done but no it is there. Hope that I can start to feelings thing soon.

Sex

I hate wanting of sex. I hate that people thinks want sex. I want to be held and told I am loved. Hate when people accuse me of just wanting to fuck 20 year olds because I talk to them. I can be with them even yes I might think about it but doesn't mean that I need it.

Disconnected

Not sure that disconnected it really what to call it. It's more like rejected or abandon. I feel like Mercy and Karin have decided that I am not worth talking to anymore. Maybe I am just too scary for them. I don't know what the fuck I did that has caused them to stop talking.
I feel like I'm nobody to them now. I working on getting to know more people online but I don't what it is that different with us. They think it is because they are 20 but age has nothing to do with it. I think part was with Mercy I talked to her for so long and didn't try hard enough to connect with others online that it was for me taking a hostage, even though she probably didn't realize I felt that way. Hard to know what is was for me but I know that I haven't been on my anti-depressants since August and that could be part of it. Karin, I'm just concerned but probably talked to her too much to.
I know that I getting better but I fucking hate this feeling of not being good enough. I feel like Mercy can't stand me now because I'm not Ash. Ok, so that is jealousy and I'm willing to admit it. Does that make me a bad person to admit that no, just human.

Noticed something

This one Mercy isn't allowed to read! :))

I think a few months ago when Jason was acting few I had an emotional lapse of who I was with Mercy. Maybe some wish for thinking kicked in, like I could rescue her or something. I know that there were some times of jealousy but not any real thoughts of anything between us. I got real nervous that he might leave her and she might end up back in the sex industry. I think I kicked into the rescuer mood but wasn't sure what to do about Jason. Never, been this close to a woman, whether she was with someone or not.

I don't think I was trying to break them as far as I know. I remember think what happens if he leave her? There is really much I can do. Would I jump at the chance for that kind of relationship her, probably yes. But, I'm happy for her being with J. I would like a relationship kind of like their but I would hope I could be more understanding if the woman was freaked out about the past. Mercy is helping me grow into the man I want to be for a woman and I am sorry that is painful for her. I know she thinks I really fucked up and should be in a straitjacket. :)) lmao

Hard to convinces that I'm not after sex. Feels funny when I try to get know her outside of the things we used to talk about and seems like it not ok for me to know at it. It feels like to me that it is ok for me to talk to her about childhood abuse and sex industry stuff. :( I ok with that but I wish I knew that so I don't feel so rejected by her. I feel like a woman ask a guy about himself and him saying it's nothing. Every woman I know says that hate that and I can understand why.

In away I feel like a whore. I ask her if she want to talk about stuff and she not really but I need to. That was how are relationship was up to month or so ago. I would just things to and sometimes we talk about during it but it was to help not for me. I guess when I said I was feeling a little different it sound like I want more in the relationship than I did. Again it was one of those time when I should of keep my mouth or fingers quiet but it felt wrong to me not to say anything. I hope that she will patient enough with me to work through it.