Day 8

Today is day 8 of not being able to move. Yesterday was the shortest time only about a hour but the rest have been 10 hours or more.

Feeling much better today.

Do I really matter

I look at my life and there doesn't seem to be anything. What good do I do? Why isn't ok just die? Nobody cares rather I live or die, as matter of fact, I think most would be glad if I just didn't exist. Why can't I just disappear, no one would notice? Who fucking cares if I live or die? I just want to fucking die, please God let me die.

Raindrops

I have the fact that I love someone but they can't make a decision for me. I know what I am asking is difficult but she can't use the excuse anymore that she can't. She keeps deciding that the old mates, places and play things are too much fun to give up. I don't want to make this decision but Monday we will be talking. She decided that she had to do drugs instead of coming home and watching "Ghost" with me. 

I can't take her out of herself the way drugs can and the pain of knowing what she is doing is too painful. I am getting tired of the raindrops on my head every weekend. I will see what happens before I make anymore plans. I will stay in the here and now without planning the results of what will happen. The clouds will be thick this weekend for sure but I will survive. Raindrops won't kill me and will help something grow into something better. 

As right now there is decision of finality, just for now and next 2 days. I want to act out sexually but I promised her that I won't. Knowing I can still love her even in my pain and keep a commitment even though in long run for us it won't probably matter but it will to Jesus and I. My hope is that she will decide to leave the drugs & mates behind. I am going to honor the commitment about not starting conversations with 3 women for myself and her.

BJ Thomas raindrops 70s