Powerlessness

I think powerlessness in a relationship is much worse than the powerlessness I feel over drugs. At least, with drugs, SI and cutting I can see it and do something about it. Being powerless over someone I love and care about are hell. I can see when I am trying to control them like I can with those other things. It's a painful reminder of how inadequate I am. Where my love isn't enough to help someone else that I truly care for. I know I get more angry at myself because I know that it is true but I still expect the other person to honor me by not doing or doing what I ask. 

I guess the reservation that goes with that is that since they can see and hear me they would honor me at least as much if not more than Jesus or God, Whom they can't. I want to be worthy enough for people to show me that I do matter. There is too much time in my life where it seems that I'm not even noticed. Like a road that got built to somewhere but went no where so people quickly abandon me. 

I feel uselessness again. It like I am given a small reprieve from it so that when it comes back it is worse than before. It's like I am useful as a rock to push oneself up but not worth remembering after that. It's more like it is useless for me to reach out to make friends or form loving relationships because I seem to have nothing anybody really seems to need. I ready to just give up. 

Maybe, people are drawn to me because I am like a vacuum and my powerlessness is used to clean some of their pain so they can go on living. Like I am a blackhole, the cosmic flair draws and then sucks away the trash. I get nothing out of the relationship because like a blackhole what is drawn to is lost into some unknown place. It's great for the other person because they lose the trash but I don't get anything out of it, the trash disappears and the person flee when they realize I am a blackhole. 

I have some gratitude because I know I have a relationship with Jesus and that He does comfort me. If He didn't comfort me I would of be sucked into my own blackhole years ago. I know on the other side of death Jesus will reveal all the good I did here so I am able to go on. There are times though it would be nice to go for quite a while and be able to see what worth I am. Is it wrong to want to feel worth here and now?

 

New level with Vicki

Today I talked with Vicki about our relationship. We talked about how I saw her and how she thought I saw her. It's hard to for her to she herself as sexy woman. I see her as a sexy woman. I told her that I see her as a woman that is the most beautiful woman, it doesn't necessarily mean it is true but is true for me.