Frozen

I feel frozen and feel like I'm lost friends. Sex is becoming a bad obsession now. I want to remember my past but sex is the new drug, even though it is mainly masturbation. How now acted out with 2 different women online. Not sure how to stop. I want to go to SAA but I want to act out for a while and see how it makes me feel. Want the pain to go away. I wanted to be fixed so bad. How can I work one Program and still be so fucked up?

Jesus, please give me the strength to change. I need to work on schedule and goals for my counselor but I am afraid that it won't make a difference. She told me that my acting out is probably a result of the abuse in my childhood. I want to be my own person and not have my family inflicting pain on me and my friends anymore. I hate the pain that I have caused others, even though most haven't been touched by it. I can't help others much more without getting it out of me.

I need to develop my own hobbies to get out of my head. I start an anti-depressant tonight and hope it helps me slept better. Hoping that if I slept deeper than I can deal with the past. I barely feel the pain that has been done but no it is there. Hope that I can start to feelings thing soon.