Unfair

It unfair how women seem to be able to talk about sex and it's never rude, offensive or abusive. Men even start talking about sex seems like most of the time is abusive. Ok, is for me. Does that mean that I don't know how to talk or just pick the wrong women to talk about it. M is the the only woman that I have ever really talked to, with and problem in a way had sex, internet/verbal. Its probably like any friendship were sex between the two happens that the relationship changes. We still have relationship but it is stranded.
It changed because things have come up like did I abuse her and I feel kind of used. Not actually how to explain what happened. We were dealing with her abuse from her mum and uncle, pimp and wanting to enjoy sex with J, get more pleasure for her. During this time some stuff about me come up and entered the relationship about sex. To a degree part of it was that we probably talked to regularly. This was a time during the summer when it seem to me that J was pulling away big time from her and I wanted to protect her. Then this primal male ego thing kick in where I wanted her for myself, not real sure but do remember couple of weeks were the played in my head. The thoughts seemed to die a natural death because it wasn't very likely for me to get over there. When they started working it out I was sincerely happy.
Another problem was the fact that I haven't had sex with a woman in about 3 years. Now to honesty there was fantasies but never meant to have it happen because of her relationship with J. However, after mentioning once or twice that I would kind of like to her making notices so asked if I really wanted to. I felt shame and guilt because I did but I never thought it would happen. So, one Friday she was getting ready to go out with J and I was going to a campout and she would I like right then and was like huh? She go voice and pull out my cock. I really didn't know what to expect so I went voice and I could tell her breathing was excited like she was playing with herself. I wasn't ready and she playing with her and it seemed unreal then she said got off, I was in shock and didn't know what to do. I was confused all weekend because I could tell what to think. It was like did it make her do that (still not sure what to think), did I abuse her, did she just use me or what the fuck? I have to look at the it but couple of days after the campout it happened again and I was more prepared, kind of and it last longer.
I got stupid a few days later and asked to get pictures of her naked. It seemed like it was ok for to ask me if I wanted them or any of it but not ok for me to really ask. I agree with her that it is disrespectful of me to ask but I was working with the idea of what she said. So, now I am more aware of how much I am like the little kid learning to talk about sex with girls. When does one really learn to talk about sex with opposite sex? How do I really know when I'm not pushing to hard?
I know for me I am tired of the perfectionist view that people have of what Christianity looks like. People seem to think that my walk has to match their ideals and not my reality. I want to know the real me at all time dealing with sex or not. Christ created me for a reason and my addiction has destroyed that purpose and now I trusting Him to restore me to sanity of what He had planned for me and I believe that I have been pretty close since I got clean. I know that I am improving and no one can take that away from me. I know that I'm responsible all that happened in my life that has brought all this pain but I am responsible for making sure that I stay on the road to recovery. Recovery is life long process and grateful to know that. I am a man and child of God.
11/12/09 1:57 am