Rebellion

This is the first I can see rebellion in my personal life. What does it look or sound like: "What in for me?"

Looking at this trip that I am getting ready to take in a week and the fears that go with it. I can see that I am afraid that when it is over that I am going to alone again. I know that Vicki is afraid of what is going to happen and have listened to her fears and have allowed them to set me off with my own again. I taken them to mean that we will break up afterward; however, I have talked to her and she has said that she wants to stay with me. I do believe her. This last couple of weeks have been crazy and I have gone into self-pity. The funny thing is that it is self-pity for something that might not even happen. It has brought up fears of abandonment again which I have experienced over the years. The rebellious part of me says it not my fault and I don't desire it. So, what do I do is to use guilt and shame to make Vicki or others want to stay with me. The problem with using those tools is that pushes them away instead of making them want to be close to me.

I heard at a meeting the other night that "Old behaviors aren't old if I'm still doing them." What a concept! Self-pity begats self-pity. When I use guilt and shame on others and they pull away from me than I feel more self-pity. I am trying to use compassion again with Vicki which is the only thing I know that I can do. Letting her know that I understand that she is afraid because she never dreamed that she would be in a love relationship. I remember how it feels to feel that no one could ever really love me as I am. Last night or this morning really I helped her relax and go back to sleep. I asked her to feel like I was holding her in my arms and to feel my love for her. I was reminded that I fell in love her because she was a special person not because of anything she did. Sex may have had something to do with our relationship going to the point of boyfriend/girlfriend but it wasn't the main reason.

I already had felt that she made me feel special because she like talking to me all day. She told me that she looked forward to the time we spent talking and she would go to ukna.org with the hope that I would be there and talk with her. I can't remember ever having anyone really look forward to spending time with me just because I talked to them. Mercy was the only other woman that I had spent time talking to for a long time but I knew from talking to her that it was just because I helped her look at her life differently. Vicki; however, looked forward to spending time with me because I made her feel good as a person. She told me that when I asked her to be my girlfriend that she had started to hope that I would ask her.

Even though she was using still she still made me feel respected by her. I could and can still tell that she doesn't mean to hurt me. I get hurt because of my own expectations of her and not because of what she does. So, it is my expectations that aren't getting met then why should I try to shame her. That would mean that I am really trying to put my shame and guilt on her, which, she doesn't desire. I guess the guilt and shame I feel is trying to change her into what I want and not letting her be herself. That guilt and shame causes me to be rebellious which brings up indifference and intolerance. So, again it isn't her fault but my own.

I guess really intolerance is the stronger of the two. I get very intolerant of her going out with her mates. That intolerance then begats fights which causes anger and resentment in both of us. So, I can understand why she wants to run away from me. I am sure that if I was in her place that I would do the same. The intolerance comes partly from the feelings I have had over the years where I felt that I wasn't important to anyone. If I remember what NA has taught me about drug addiction that drug will always come before a person no matter how important that person is. That's where my indifference kicks in and says that Vicki should be different because it is me. DOH!  Can I be that stupid and the answer is yes. Right now, I can take some comfort in the fact that I am human and that's what humans do. We humans want to be as important as God.

Today I take a lot of comfort that I know that Vicki is really looking forward to me coming over there. I know for her that me being with her is scary for many different reasons. Scary in being with someone in person that she cares for which will make it hard to just leave and go out with mates, losing some privacy and really seeing love up close and personal. It scares her to think that this will be the first time she will be responsible to take care of someone. For most people by the time they are 27 they have experienced this but she hasn't. Talking to her about it I can tell she is looking forward to it, though. Being in this relationship has caused me to look at my motives and helped to experience emotions for the first time ever. I'm sure that I am afraid that if this relationship was to end that I would loss all that I have gain on a personal level. I know in an intellectual sense that isn't so but at same time on an emotional level it feels real. The good thing is I know that once I have been stretched this far that I can't really go back to what it was like before.

3 weeks until trip

In three weeks I'll be in England to see my girlfriend. There is alot of excitement and fear about it. I'm sure that alot of the fears are normal. It's the normal fears of the first date, even though we have been together for nearly a year and half. But, wow it's so exciting just to think about.

How does one prepare for this kind of trip? I'm going somewhere I have never been and the only person I really know there is my girlfriend. She never been in a relationship before and she is scared because she doesn't know what to expect. She has a valid fear of losing her privacy. She still uses drugs and I am clean. So, we both are concerned about those issues but we will never know until I get there.

Nothing I can say can calm her down. But, this week she has relaxed some and is more excited than scared. Because, she is more relaxed I feel more relax. It was funny how she had the change happen, I got upset because she said she was going stay home with me and then a mate called her and she left for a hour. I got upset before she left and flew off the handle. She said that when I did she started giggling and the good thing was that I did hear her. When she got home though she was the most comfortable with me than she has been since probably Nov. She had said that before she left that her feeling for me hadn't been as strong as they once were and then when she got home they were strong again. I said that feeling come and go but love is more of a decision than a feeling. And that there are lot of times that my feelings are very strong but I know that my love for her is as strong as before.

Sex online isn't as good as physical but ours has been better than any I have ever had. Since Nov. sex has been kind of feeling awkward but when she got home on Tuesday it was great again. She kind of afraid that I will want to do it all the time when I get there but I keep telling her that it's not going to be that way. I also I have said that it love making not sex; because, sex sounds more like a sport than something a couple would do. I told her that I would be willing to try not to expect it when I get there and she said that she will want it. She said that fear has lessen since Tuesday and it is great to know that I don't have to do or say anything to help her feel different about it.

Relationships are hard enough when you are with the other person physically but online does make it more difficult. However, online relationship do make you focus more on communication than the physical part. I feel that is great part of our relationship. One of the most difficult parts for us is learning that it is ok to be quiet while together online, for me it is like since we are online we need to talk or something. I think that is one of the benefits of being together physically is that it is more comfortable about being quiet. Like if you are sitting in the same room each feels comfortable enough being quiet and can do other things.