I grateful that feelings aren't facts because the last 36 hours has been horrible. I'm not sure what it is. I have been unable to walk since Monday and have had full body attacks almost every evening after dinner. I haven't been away from the house since last weekend. I am sure that being stuck here is apart of the feeling. 

It started Friday night with bad thoughts of Vicki going to guitar on Saturday and as of now they all seem to wrong, which is great. But, I feel that something happened that she not telling me. The good thing is that it could be my insecurity. We are going through a time of growing. We are growing personally and as a couple. Relationship struggles are one of the most difficult things a person can go through. I have a lot of hope that this is more like growing pains than anything.

Throwing in this health issues that I am going through doesn't help at all. I was going to drive to get Dimitri this weekend but you have to have legs to drive. So, I think there is some let down because of not being able to get back to Tulsa for the weekend. Not being mobile effects the way I feel about myself, I feel alone and abandoned. The good thing right now is that I don't feel abandoned by Christ or really by Vicki. When it comes to Vicki this is when I wish we were together. 

I am so in love with Vicki and I really don't expect much from her. All I really want to do with her is to share a long and happy life together. Isn't that what we want when we think about being in love with someone? It feels good to know that she loves me the same way. There seems to be a strong desire to get to know each other better. The knowing where you get the point where you lose those bad feelings that come over you. Getting to the point where you know the other person in a way that feels like you are almost the same. A kind of trust that can't be explained.

                            "Sunshine On My Shoulders" is a                                                          feeling that fits the way I feel about Vicki. 
It makes me want to cry. Not the kind of cry     
of sadness both happiness and joy. How does
one describe the feeling of love and longing for 
another person? It's not just a longing for the way they feel in your arms but the kind where you want share your inner most feelings and thoughts of the other person. It's a feeling where you could get lost with other person anywhere there was no people and all would be well. 

 Love songs are thought to belong to romantic nights or women

 but I have learned this morning that they are for me. They have

                             found this morning when things seem wrong to get them out and 

                             listen to them. Other than feeling her in my arms they are closest

                             to feel close her.