I feel kind guilty for not blogging in a while. Then again it is for me and no one else.

Gratitude though does have a lot to do with it. I am grateful to have this as a place to write things down. Things feel just a little off and I am not sure why. My sponsor pointed out that it could just be that my prospective on life is off, like what is real or not.

I start seeing a new counselor, therapist or psychologist on the 19th. I think I going to ask about hypnosis to see if I can get the past faster. My paralysis hasn't been as big a deal recently but physical pain has gotten worse. I believe that is part of my condition and that something is trying to surface. And I am scared of being catatonic for the rest of my life. I know that most like it won't happen but the fear is there. The other fear is that I will have to confront my family and I don't think it will help any. I started to feel somewhat comfortable around my family so why mess it up?


Why can't just deal with it and move on? I know I am willing, is there something besides willingness that is needed? What part of honesty do I need? Or could there be fear of what if I accept it? Does accepting that I got raped, maybe, before the age of 6 make me less of a person? Does saying that give more power to that person?