Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Beauty From Pain
Listening to the song by same title by Superchick has brought up some wild emotions.
I just wanted to know what good is coming from what I suffered as a child sexually? I trust that Jesus will use it for His glory and that in the after this world there will be joy for suffering but why not now? What was he thinking when he was abusing me and what was she doing allowing it? Why can't I get dreams like others? I just want to have a nice rest of my life without pain.
I just wanted to know what good is coming from what I suffered as a child sexually? I trust that Jesus will use it for His glory and that in the after this world there will be joy for suffering but why not now? What was he thinking when he was abusing me and what was she doing allowing it? Why can't I get dreams like others? I just want to have a nice rest of my life without pain.
Left alone
I am feeling like I have been left alone tonight. I know that Vicki is just being what an addict is but hard not to take it personal. How does someone prove to someone else that their actions hurt more than they have any fucking clue? It hurts the most because it feels like she's never going to get it and there will not be an/ us.
That's why it feels so personal. I wish I could say that I haven't thought that I be better off with someone in recovery but I do love her. But, my sponsor and therapist have asked if I was just holding on because it is convenient? I don't believe so but at times like this I am starting to wonder.
I feel that I still don't really matter and thing is Vicki thinks that just saying that she is thinking about the whole time she is out makes it ok (sounds like we have our gender roles reversed haha). Knowing that just makes matter worse instead of better, What the fuck does she think that says to me? It doesn't sound like fucking love. To me she out making love to coke not showing me love.
That's why it feels so personal. I wish I could say that I haven't thought that I be better off with someone in recovery but I do love her. But, my sponsor and therapist have asked if I was just holding on because it is convenient? I don't believe so but at times like this I am starting to wonder.
I feel that I still don't really matter and thing is Vicki thinks that just saying that she is thinking about the whole time she is out makes it ok (sounds like we have our gender roles reversed haha). Knowing that just makes matter worse instead of better, What the fuck does she think that says to me? It doesn't sound like fucking love. To me she out making love to coke not showing me love.
Friday, February 10, 2012
survivor's group
I joined Mercy sexual assault survivors group on Facebook. It caused me to tear up and freak out on the inside. I'm not sure that it was because for the first time I was part of a group of people that might understand and partly because I'll truly have to face up to the facts of what happened. It might be the beginning of freedom for me. The beginning of release of emotions and memories.
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