Left alone

I am feeling like I have been left alone tonight. I know that Vicki is just being what an addict is but hard not to take it personal. How does someone prove to someone else that their actions hurt more than they have any fucking clue? It hurts the most because it feels like she's never going to get it and there will not  be an/ us.

That's why it feels so personal. I wish I could say that I haven't thought that I be better off with someone in recovery but I do love her. But, my sponsor and therapist have asked if I was just holding on because it is convenient? I don't believe so but at times like this I am starting to wonder.

I feel that I still don't really matter and thing is Vicki thinks that just saying that she is thinking about the whole time she is out makes it ok (sounds like we have our gender roles reversed haha). Knowing that just makes matter worse instead of better, What the fuck does she think that says to me? It doesn't sound like fucking love. To me she out making love to coke not showing me love.