New level with Vicki

Today I talked with Vicki about our relationship. We talked about how I saw her and how she thought I saw her. It's hard to for her to she herself as sexy woman. I see her as a sexy woman. I told her that I see her as a woman that is the most beautiful woman, it doesn't necessarily mean it is true but is true for me.

What's the difference?

I'm not sure what I thinking or what I want to know. I think I hope Mercy reads this and emails me some thoughts. I know that I have blogged about this before but still wondering. What is the difference between friendship and co-dependency?

I have many friendships that have gone by the wayside. I would like to know for sure if that is what is happening with Karin and Mercy. I had never been as close to a woman as I was to Mercy, was closer than with my ex. Now, I know that my relationship with Vicki is even closer than what Mercy and me had and not sure how to talk with Karin and Mercy now. (I guess I should say I hope Karin reads this too.) 

To a large degree I understand that my sexual addiction has become a problem with us. Maybe more in my head than in reality but I pretty sure that it is there too. There is no way to totally repair the damage done but it can heal. 

Anyway, I really want the both of you to know that I really miss the friendship we had and that I still care very much for you. I will be the best friend I can and hopeful that is good enough.

Vicki

Well, today Vicki choose to get coke and weed, even after she just said she wasn't. I sent her some stuff to sell on ebay and told her not to contact me until it gets there. I going to take time to listen to Jesus. I don't know what is in store for our relationship. I love her but she keeps saying she wants to quit for me but wants to keep smoking weed. The problem with that is that she then to get drunk and wrecked on coke. I can't take it much longer. She is going to have to decide if she wants to be with me or keep doing the drugs.

Day 8

Today is day 8 of not being able to move. Yesterday was the shortest time only about a hour but the rest have been 10 hours or more.

Feeling much better today.

Do I really matter

I look at my life and there doesn't seem to be anything. What good do I do? Why isn't ok just die? Nobody cares rather I live or die, as matter of fact, I think most would be glad if I just didn't exist. Why can't I just disappear, no one would notice? Who fucking cares if I live or die? I just want to fucking die, please God let me die.

Raindrops

I have the fact that I love someone but they can't make a decision for me. I know what I am asking is difficult but she can't use the excuse anymore that she can't. She keeps deciding that the old mates, places and play things are too much fun to give up. I don't want to make this decision but Monday we will be talking. She decided that she had to do drugs instead of coming home and watching "Ghost" with me. 

I can't take her out of herself the way drugs can and the pain of knowing what she is doing is too painful. I am getting tired of the raindrops on my head every weekend. I will see what happens before I make anymore plans. I will stay in the here and now without planning the results of what will happen. The clouds will be thick this weekend for sure but I will survive. Raindrops won't kill me and will help something grow into something better. 

As right now there is decision of finality, just for now and next 2 days. I want to act out sexually but I promised her that I won't. Knowing I can still love her even in my pain and keep a commitment even though in long run for us it won't probably matter but it will to Jesus and I. My hope is that she will decide to leave the drugs & mates behind. I am going to honor the commitment about not starting conversations with 3 women for myself and her.