I had a month of quite a few attacks. Earl and me think it was the last medication I was taking. So, we are going to try one that suppose to lower my potassium instead of raise it. Yesterday, I had one during Claremore's meeting and it last the entire part of the meeting when we were reading and sharing.

Gratitude

I'm so grateful for Mercy for help me pull my head out of my ass. She doesn't think so smart enough to help someone but it's not smarts that people want it is someone whom is willing to listen. She has help me more than I know how to tell her. But, she is helping me grow and realize that I have hiding out with people who need help emotionally. Some, not real crazy people, just people that are good but a little off. Today, I need to start looking for people that are ok with themselves and don't need anything from me emotionally or like a therapist.
She has grown so much that if I don't change I will get boring to her and I can understand that today. She has shown me way some people and I just don't seem to understand each other. It's because I'm still looking for people to fix. ARGGGG I thought I had learned better with Cherie but today it not bad. I know that I will have the tenancy to fall into and I have the desire to be a paid therapist to. But, today I can move on.

Want someone just to listen

It's like I got upset with someone I've been talking to for a few months now and she keeps asking me to share about myself. I finally start opening up about having trust issues with women and she tells me I need to go to therapy. I would like to have a friend whom would listen to me and run away when I deeply personal.

It's like everyone is ok with me listening to them talk about all fucking shit and even get mad sometimes because of what I ask but then a day or two later everything is normal again. God fucking damn if I get to share my shit. Luckily, my NA sponsor does love me enough to listen but I need other friends to share with.

Why is so fucking hard for people to listen to me. Am I suppose to be the person everyone goes to for help and comfort? :'( Don't I desire people to listen to me? Don't I fucking matter? What's so fucking special about everyone else? I want to feel loved enough for others to listen to me. I'm tired of being everyone's shit hole.

I'm glad others can come to me and share but what about me? Isn't friendship suppose to be a two way street? Right now is one of those times I wish God would just take me the fuck away from here. I wish I could be like everyone else be able to tell everyone to fuck off and mean it. I want to be happy too.

God, is like listen to someone who got someone they live with and hearing them say, "I fuck them but I don't know why." Fuck, I think now I wouldn't mind having someone like that. It's almost enough to want to go find one of my homosexual friends and say let's get it on. But, that is like trying to get to get back together with my ex, it turns my stomach.

Jesus, why would you let me have a friend like I am to others? Is this a sign that I don't fucking love myself? What must I do?

Wow

Started Financial Peace University https://mrc.mytotalmoneymakeover.com/index.cfm?event=displayLobby today. Wow it was great I think everyone should go. Everyone that I has taken this that I know of, in less the 36 months has been debt free. That is what I want for me and Dimitri can have a much better start on finances than I did.

Jason

Been talking with Jason, Mercy's boyfriend. It feels funny because of the difference between them. I talked to her for so long and I'm just getting to know him and hard to talk about what we know of each other. I have a hard no doing sex counseling with Mercy and now Jason is just meeting me. Wish he had been more involved in the conversation before this.