It's like I got upset with someone I've been talking to for a few months now and she keeps asking me to share about myself. I finally start opening up about having trust issues with women and she tells me I need to go to therapy. I would like to have a friend whom would listen to me and run away when I deeply personal.
It's like everyone is ok with me listening to them talk about all fucking shit and even get mad sometimes because of what I ask but then a day or two later everything is normal again. God fucking damn if I get to share my shit. Luckily, my NA sponsor does love me enough to listen but I need other friends to share with.
Why is so fucking hard for people to listen to me. Am I suppose to be the person everyone goes to for help and comfort? :'( Don't I desire people to listen to me? Don't I fucking matter? What's so fucking special about everyone else? I want to feel loved enough for others to listen to me. I'm tired of being everyone's shit hole.
I'm glad others can come to me and share but what about me? Isn't friendship suppose to be a two way street? Right now is one of those times I wish God would just take me the fuck away from here. I wish I could be like everyone else be able to tell everyone to fuck off and mean it. I want to be happy too.
God, is like listen to someone who got someone they live with and hearing them say, "I fuck them but I don't know why." Fuck, I think now I wouldn't mind having someone like that. It's almost enough to want to go find one of my homosexual friends and say let's get it on. But, that is like trying to get to get back together with my ex, it turns my stomach.
Jesus, why would you let me have a friend like I am to others? Is this a sign that I don't fucking love myself? What must I do?
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I answer youf questions becuase it feels like you want me to answer your questions. so im goiving you what you want and it also helps me becuase it makes me ask myself things i wouldnt have asked. i think of you as a lot smarter than e inteligently and emotionaly and with mroe recovery smarts. as you manage to ask me so much i dont blieve i could come up with anything that you couldnt or havent already asked yoruself. you talk as if you alread know the answers, you back me in to a corner until i have no wear else to go and admit something. i feel obliged to tell you what i think you want to hear becuase thats got to beright, how coud i be right when your the one that knows that questions to ask. your taking phsychology, you think of youirself as a therapist, its well known that people who feel the need to psychoalalise everyone else aer really looking for answers about themsleves. I care about you and i want you to be better and healthy and happy in your mind but i dont understand or pretend to understand the 1st thing about what its like to be you,, you seem to know what its like to be a whore, you said you've seen it in other girls and know exactly what im feeling and where im headig and what gne wrong,, well i just DONT know.
ReplyDeleteWhat have we got in common? well we where both abused by our parents, probbaly sexualy, and we have both been shuned by our families and arnt trusted. so maybe i know a little about that, but its hard becuase you dont remember. how can i ask you about things you dont remember and when ever i do yu jump in and ask me something. when you told me about soap on a rope and what you think it was used for it made me feel so sick and sad for you, i cried and wished i could help you but i dont know how. it might help if you write about it, take some of your own advice. I dont think of myself as a therapist or rate my 'help' anything near that, thats why peopel have probably sggested to you to see a real qualified one, if you want real help. I can be your freind, and i can listen, if you talk about it. ive never stopped you from talking about it, ill listen to anything, youve listened to me. I just dont ever like to intrude on people, even if they tell me they want me to, it just doesnt feel right, its hard to move or do anything, all relationships are like Johns. I put something in to get something out, sometimes its to get something out for that person, sometimes its becase ive already got something from it. you get jelous that I have J to go to bed with at night and think i take that for granted, I cant help it if i dont feel love. I still act like its there. if i could sacrifice jason to get you someone (so long as it didnt hurt him) then i would, bnecuase you need it more. but I cant, and thats just the way of the world. soem poeple have kids and neglect them, others are desperate to have children to care for and share love with but they cant get pregnat. and its not fair and its just the way of the world. you call it gods plan, i call it no plan.
Its got to the point where i expect everything you say to have some purpose or meeding but maybe your just blindy stabbing in then air and by chance strike things. I feel like i'll only miss. your easy to talk to becuase it apears like you generaly do want to know, adn you have no fear in asking, maybe you should have some becuase you sometimes ask things that are inaproptiet and thts got you in trouble a fe times hasent it. Im not easy to talk to becuase id rather do nothing at all than do something wrong.. maybe thats it, and i need to let go of control. but i dont know how. im so used to it the way it is. nothing is stoping me from listening to you.. is there something stopping you from sharing? I dont have any answers for you so its hard to have any questions. so what do you want to tel me about? how can i help you? what do you want to achive? whats wrong? what hurts? and why hasent doing the steps hoeled you with what ever it is more?