Tormented

The last couple of nights Jesus has been asking if He can lead me into the past as I drift off to sleep. I say yes but mind says no. Last night I heard myself as a child crying out NO. Tonight had thoughts trying to have sex with someone, having internet sex with someone or help 3 women with their sexual abuse issues. Today took a nap and same thing happened but don't remember much about it. Each time I have had a hypokalemic attack and one of my wrists hurt like it was tied or someone was hold it very tightly.
Last night I did see the house in Jenks but had to force it to look right. I saw a shower, the kind that is a bathtub with a curtain all the way around it. It looked and sound like a woman was in there taking a shower. Not sure who it was but makes me wonder more about my mom and how much see knew about the soap-on-a-rope deal. Kind of like the thing with my step-mom being forced to watch me get swaps with my pants down.
I'm perplexed and stupefied by this. I confident that by letting Him will give me freedom to change and grow into the person meant to be. Why is that I can't let go and follow Jesus into the deep hidden areas of my past? What is there? Am I afraid of losing contact with Him? Maybe, I am afraid that if I remember I will be like my brother and become a homosexual, I do not want to be. I enjoy everything about a woman in sex and just being with them. Am I scared that I will be unforgiving or take the blame for it like most abused people.
I am confident also that it will allow me to be more loving and more comfortable with women. It's tragic that I not able to do this. I trust Jesus to lead me there and back. The past dominates me even though I can't remember it. Maybe, I afraid that I will become a cry baby and whine about it with others to get sympathy. It's kind of tormenting me.

Please just force me Lord