Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Frozen
I feel frozen and feel like I'm lost friends. Sex is becoming a bad obsession now. I want to remember my past but sex is the new drug, even though it is mainly masturbation. How now acted out with 2 different women online. Not sure how to stop. I want to go to SAA but I want to act out for a while and see how it makes me feel. Want the pain to go away. I wanted to be fixed so bad. How can I work one Program and still be so fucked up?
Jesus, please give me the strength to change. I need to work on schedule and goals for my counselor but I am afraid that it won't make a difference. She told me that my acting out is probably a result of the abuse in my childhood. I want to be my own person and not have my family inflicting pain on me and my friends anymore. I hate the pain that I have caused others, even though most haven't been touched by it. I can't help others much more without getting it out of me.
I need to develop my own hobbies to get out of my head. I start an anti-depressant tonight and hope it helps me slept better. Hoping that if I slept deeper than I can deal with the past. I barely feel the pain that has been done but no it is there. Hope that I can start to feelings thing soon.
Jesus, please give me the strength to change. I need to work on schedule and goals for my counselor but I am afraid that it won't make a difference. She told me that my acting out is probably a result of the abuse in my childhood. I want to be my own person and not have my family inflicting pain on me and my friends anymore. I hate the pain that I have caused others, even though most haven't been touched by it. I can't help others much more without getting it out of me.
I need to develop my own hobbies to get out of my head. I start an anti-depressant tonight and hope it helps me slept better. Hoping that if I slept deeper than I can deal with the past. I barely feel the pain that has been done but no it is there. Hope that I can start to feelings thing soon.
Monday, January 11, 2010
SAA
Went to my first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting last night. Was a good meeting but I was freaking out because I didn't want to admit that about myself, even though I know it is true.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Lost
I lost a battle with myself yesterday and had sex with someone online. It was boring and I didn't get anything out it but some pleasure of know she was enjoying it. But, what about me, why can't I enjoy for myself? Today I'm blank no real feelings. Feel like lost Mercy to her DID and don't know what to do. Karin, doesn't seem to want to talk to me since she started talking to Mercy. I have I done something wrong to women recently? I head is so messed up right now.
I'm connected with guys so that I can hopeful short-circuit this sex thing. Connecting with Mikey more and that is good and Tim is help pull me do. Talked to my sponsor today not sure if he understands me but I staying connected to him and that is best thing for me to do.
I'm connected with guys so that I can hopeful short-circuit this sex thing. Connecting with Mikey more and that is good and Tim is help pull me do. Talked to my sponsor today not sure if he understands me but I staying connected to him and that is best thing for me to do.
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