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I don't know what I am feeling just feeling strange. For one thing, I am writer without being able to write. I seem to feel out of place. Maybe, it is because it is Wednesday and Vicki didn't go out drinking and doing coke. You think I would be feel good about that. Could I be scared that something worse is coming?

Feel bad

Today I don't feel good. I feel that it is a kind of resentment or bitterness. For the fact that I can't get Vicki clean. I wish God would allow me to fix her. I hate not being able to say anything that makes a difference. I don't want to be her higher power but I would like to have the power get her clean. 

I wish I had the power to give her a vision of what life would be like if she was clean. However, I don't have that power. There is nothing I can say that will give her any ideal how much better life can be. She doesn't even see that her life is in danger as long as she is using. 

I am scared for our relationship. I want to believe that I could be there for her no matter what. I know that it will more difficult once we are together if she is still using. I have told her that I will not risk my recovery or life if she keeps using when we are together. 

I hate it when I over-react when one of her mates calls her, even if she doesn't go out. It seems to be get worse, maybe it's the holidays. Plus, knowing that it is getting closer to the time when I can go see her. See that she doesn't seem to be trying to quit so that when I get there we can spend alot of time together. I feel very unimportant to her and even though I understand the disease doesn't help. 

It also pisses me off knowing that everyone is against us. At least, it feels that everyone is. I want the happy feelings back. I still need to work on my 8th Step.  

Angry and Sad

Today I am angry and sad because Vicki went out with some mates to a pub. She said she wouldn't be doing any drinking or coke but I heard that before. I know that I can't ask her to give up her mates for me but I would like her too. I scared that she going to die or she is going to decide that it is too difficult to get clean. There is nothing I can really do to make this feeling go away except acknowledge it. 

How do I take the sting out of it? How do I love her and let her make her own mistakes? I know that she isn't doing it to hurt me but it doesn't make it hurt less. Acknowledge the painful situation is suppose to take away the pain, right? 

I am angry because she doesn't seem to trust me. I hate feeling trustworthy and being told that I am but being treated the opposite. I am angry because she's not as open as me. Which makes me realized that I pissed at the world because there doesn't seem to be anyone that wants my openness. I am told how great it is that I am so open but I have learn that others can't. What's so fucking hard about being open, you just do it! It's not that hard to be open. I'm not afraid of what others are going to do with it because they will more than likely do it anyway. 

I am sad because I want so much good for her and I. Sad because no matter what I do or say it won't matter because the drugs are stronger. I hate that my love isn't enough!!! I want to be her knight in shining armor but I want to be her lover too. However, knights can't save damsels in distress if they don't let them. I am sad because I really love her and I don't want to rescue her. It's not like with Cherie, whom I did just want to rescue.