Angry and Sad

Today I am angry and sad because Vicki went out with some mates to a pub. She said she wouldn't be doing any drinking or coke but I heard that before. I know that I can't ask her to give up her mates for me but I would like her too. I scared that she going to die or she is going to decide that it is too difficult to get clean. There is nothing I can really do to make this feeling go away except acknowledge it. 

How do I take the sting out of it? How do I love her and let her make her own mistakes? I know that she isn't doing it to hurt me but it doesn't make it hurt less. Acknowledge the painful situation is suppose to take away the pain, right? 

I am angry because she doesn't seem to trust me. I hate feeling trustworthy and being told that I am but being treated the opposite. I am angry because she's not as open as me. Which makes me realized that I pissed at the world because there doesn't seem to be anyone that wants my openness. I am told how great it is that I am so open but I have learn that others can't. What's so fucking hard about being open, you just do it! It's not that hard to be open. I'm not afraid of what others are going to do with it because they will more than likely do it anyway. 

I am sad because I want so much good for her and I. Sad because no matter what I do or say it won't matter because the drugs are stronger. I hate that my love isn't enough!!! I want to be her knight in shining armor but I want to be her lover too. However, knights can't save damsels in distress if they don't let them. I am sad because I really love her and I don't want to rescue her. It's not like with Cherie, whom I did just want to rescue.