Feel bad

Today I don't feel good. I feel that it is a kind of resentment or bitterness. For the fact that I can't get Vicki clean. I wish God would allow me to fix her. I hate not being able to say anything that makes a difference. I don't want to be her higher power but I would like to have the power get her clean. 

I wish I had the power to give her a vision of what life would be like if she was clean. However, I don't have that power. There is nothing I can say that will give her any ideal how much better life can be. She doesn't even see that her life is in danger as long as she is using. 

I am scared for our relationship. I want to believe that I could be there for her no matter what. I know that it will more difficult once we are together if she is still using. I have told her that I will not risk my recovery or life if she keeps using when we are together. 

I hate it when I over-react when one of her mates calls her, even if she doesn't go out. It seems to be get worse, maybe it's the holidays. Plus, knowing that it is getting closer to the time when I can go see her. See that she doesn't seem to be trying to quit so that when I get there we can spend alot of time together. I feel very unimportant to her and even though I understand the disease doesn't help. 

It also pisses me off knowing that everyone is against us. At least, it feels that everyone is. I want the happy feelings back. I still need to work on my 8th Step.