Defend against...

Reading from Al-anon's "Courage to Change," June 3 it talks about how a practicing alcoholic (addict) will create diversions by accusing or provoking. Later it says "unfortunately, what we defend against we make real." That is referring to arguments and admitting that we are powerless to defend ourselves and that is why we need a Power Greater than ourselves.

What I have noticed over the last few weeks since I have gotten home from England is that I seem to be the one that is creating the diversions. Accusing her of not caring enough to keep her word  to me. Vicki, is a practicing addict, whom has no power within herself to not use and I know that because I am a recovering addict. So, I have come to the conclusion that I am using this accusation to defend against being rejected. Which in the past has got me exactly what I have been trying to prevent.

I know my sponsor and recovery friends would say that it would be better for me to get out of the relationship. However, I don't see what that is going to do to help me in my life and recovery. That appears to be shifting the blame. So, if I am trying to defend myself from rejection why and how do I change it? Why may not really be the correct question but more what is it that is causing to react this way? Vicki not keeping her word is a symptom of the real issue. I noticed that I provoke when she gets calls, texts or is out running around with mates, without giving her a chance.

Then that would most likely imply that I am anticipating it. So, if I am anticipating it, then that might suggested that I don't feel worthy of love or a good relationship. The reasoning behind that is that I seem to have this pattern in most of my relationships in life. Provoking does two things for me: 1. blames the other person (victimization) and 2. with family it is like an excuse to rebel. Doesn't seem like much difference in the two.

In my relationship with Vicki and everyone besides family it is victimization because they didn't came with my birth. She choose to be my girlfriend and they choose to be friends with me. If they choose to be in a relationship with me how could they treat me like this. Didn't they already know that I wasn't worthy of them. It's not like I tricked them because I know that I am no different. If there is something that has come up that has made me different shouldn't they talk to me about it? Am I that debased that I am not worth the time to help correct the issue.

With family it is a different type of issue. Rebellion for me is a way to show that I am worth something more than what I have been getting. My family shows me rejection in a different way than friends do. They either show it by telling me I don't know what's best or just don't pay much attention to me. So, by choosing to do things they don't agree with I provoke a reaction or hopeful a reaction, which would be better. Provoking them is a way to show them that I do exist. I'm more than just a piece of furniture or something. That I have the right to do things that I want and not just what they want. My opinion of my life is just as valid if not more than theirs since it is my life.

With Vicki I am trying to show her that I am more important than drugs. I am hoping to stock her in giving up drugs. It's difficult because I know she loves me and my love relationship with her is what love is about, sharing the benefits of a wonderful life. Knowing that she is an addict helps some but at times I just hurt so bad that I react. There is no good excuse for treating someone the way I treat her. I know that her disease has got her and that she is trying to change and have seen some. I still have to take responsibility for the way I treat her but figuring out how to do so without giving her permission to keep treating me the way she does. I stay with her because I know that I love her and that she does make me feel good.

I know that leaving her now would fix me. She's not the problem, it is in me. It is my issue not hers so I have to make sure that I am staying her because I love her and not to fix her. I have learned much about Christ's love for me by staying with her. One of the reasons I stay with her is because I believe she needs someone to believe in her. Believing in her doesn't fix her but it allows her know that she is worth something to me. I know that I wished for that before I got clean. Having someone treat me as worth something means I am alive. I think that is normal for human being. Having someone believe in us gives us hope that life is woth living and not just existing.