Provoked to anger

I have been going to Al-anon for about a year now. I have learned a lot about myself from being in a relationship with an using addict and am grateful for Al-anon and NA.

Yesterday's reading was about learning how I allow myself to be drawn in arguments to keep from facing my past. The Book "Courage to Change" points out that what we defend against we make real. So, with the second point first that the more that I argue about her using the worse I make it. By arguing about it I get stuck on what she is doing wrong and not noticing the little differences but I have been doing better. It took almost three break-ups to do it.

I have been trying to get into the past that is stuck in repression in my mind. I have very little memories before the 1977, then they get little better. In 1980, memories start becoming more connected so there is a chronological order and things get really connected when I got clean at 21.

There is something about the year of 1977; maybe, it was that I was full of hope because leaving Mom and Jim and going to Dad and Debbie. Which wasn't that much different except of being gone all the time, they never left and I wasn't allowed to do anything either. I wish I was about 10 or 20 years older because that music seems to fit me better. Where's the switch that allows you to open up the gates to a place in time.