Just Blah

Warning this is probably just ranting, only comment if I know you well. 

The last couple a weeks I have been trying to figure out what to blog. I went to England and spent 13 days with my girlfriend, which a great visit. The worst part of have a great experience is that usually right around the corner there is something to quickly to knock you off the top of that mountain. Part of the problem is a recovering addict and she's a using addict. I hate hearing people's opinions and the hurt that comes from using. Relationships are fucking hard enough without drugs being involved. I even walked into it knowing she was using but I had and have hope that one day. It's terrible when you love someone so much and no there is nothing that you can do fix them or even try to help them. I hate knowing that she may never get clean.

Sometimes I wish I was Jesus and I could see what the best course of action was for everyone. I have gotten to the point that when I pray that I ask Him for what's best for His plans. I still tell Him what I want because I believe that is what He wants but I know that I am a piece of the whole puzzle. I don't understand why things happen the way they do and I am humble enough to know that if I did I would be God. I also believe that He isn't a punishing God but a loving Father that allows us to experience the results of our and others actions. I don't believe that all the bad things that happen in my life are my own fault. I used to believe that before I got clean and it almost killed me.

Whom am I to decide that Christ should always do things to benefit me, what about everyone else? Who is the most important person in the world that He should only let one person benefit? I believe that learning what His will is for me and then rest of the world will benefit also.

Then that brings me back to my relationship, how do I decide what best for me and what's best for us? I have heard Jesus tell me that some of the things I do to show my love to Vicki is in a small way how He loves me. Again, I am not Him and don't what the future holds. I hear people's opinions and it's like they think they know what's best for us or me.