Fantasy in Love

I was reading "Living Clean" from NA and found something that made a lot  of sense to me. I have been having trouble deciding why Vicki using is resulting in such a violent reaction from me. "Living Clean"  says, "When we love a fantasy, we get angry with reality. Anger at reality is the opposite of acceptance." The fantasy is that Vicki said she wants to be clean and I fantasize that means she is going to do it. Reality is that she can say it and mean it but not do anything about it. My anger does either of us any good.

Reality is that she does love and care me. The fantasy is that if she really loved me then she get clean. However, as a recovering drug addict also I know that the reality is a truth and doesn't change the fact that she is still using. I know that I am important to her but her addiction is stronger than her love. I have hope that she is going to get clean soon. I see that she is starting to feel the reality of using and what it can take from her.

It's not just using drugs but that she gambles when she get wrecked. She just moved into her flat last night and gambled some of her rent money. She is freaking out about and sad thing is that I also told her that if she lies to me again I am going to finish the relationship. I asked her once, maybe more than once, if is was necessary for her to lose everything before she was willing to change. She says again last night and today that last night was enough but we will wait and see.

The fact is now I have to decide how to accept reality, either way.

Love & Other Drugs