Rage 1.1

Tonight I had a thought about Vicki using again today and got angry. I got angrier because I was angry. Went to dinner and started to rage inside. I have no ideal what I was raging about. I know that it wasn't Vicki, she was just the trigger for it. After dinner Vicki moved to her bedroom and said she didn't know what to say because I usually get pissed off. Which of a course pissed me off. The good thing was I was able not to take it out on her.

I went to a meeting and when I turned onto 35 I thought that Amanda, therapist, would want to write about it. I had two thoughts at that moment, I can't and I won't. Then the rage really hipped up. By the time I got half way there I wasn't to kill my parents, kill and destroy things and flip my car. I wanted to be like "Wolverine." I the group kind of about it and about the topic. I talked to Don after the meeting for a while and feel calmer.

I'm still raging on the inside but not wanting to kill anymore. I still want to hurt someone, mostly my father. I want to hurt him like he hurt me as a kid. Actually, I want to tear his arms and legs off. I would say that right now is probably the closest I've ever felt to hate. He used me in many way but never really protected me. Even when I was 18 or 19 he tried to break my wrist by twisting it and that is the only time I hit him. That is the last time he ever threaten also. I also know that my son has been safe with him because he knows that if I found out that he ever did the same thing to him I'd kill him.

I just want to feel respected by those I love. Why isn't it enough that I am clean and basically health.