Yelling and Screaming

My therapist wants me to go out somewhere where no one will be around and yell at my father. To let out all the rage that is trying to come out. She would like me to do it before next Friday our new time and before I go to Austin for a week. I will be in Austin for a week with my brother and his partner. This will be the first time my brother and I will be basically alone, no other family, in 26 or so years. I am afraid of what going to come up. I'm afraid to be with him because I'm afraid of saying the wrong.

I am afraid that I will bring up the past and get blasted with a lot of anger. I am afraid that I will start raging and not be able to stop until someone is seriously hurt or dead. Plus, I am scared that we can never really be close, like I'm not really close with anyone. Everyone thinks I should be close to my brother but I'm not and have no good reason that I know of why.

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I know that I was abused; psychically and emotionally plus have all the signs of sexual. I hate the fact that I seem to be used by my father to get his anger out on. At times I have no idea what started it but he seemed to get off on it. It also seemed that if I cried that would give him a reason to rage and get worse. He tried to kill him, he have me pull my pants down and have my step-mom stand behind me as he give me swats. He had me take showers with him when I between 11-13 with the excuse of water pressure or lack of hot water.

I hated taking showers with him because we were in a small shower and I'd have to see his penis. I can remember much about it but there is a feeling of fear.

I can remember a trip on a weekend that he and I went to the family trailer at the lake to rake leafs or something. I don't remember much about the trip except that we went to hot stand we do as a guy thing and later that night get sick and vomiting all up. Most of the trip is a blank for me, which seems strange because that was the only trip I can remember it was just us. Based on what I hear from most people those are the kind of trips that have fond memories.

It seemed that my father looked for way to shame me. Like one time he made a necklace thing out of yarn and a picture of a tv that I was suppose to wear all the time and when someone asked me about it I was suppose to tell them it was a picture of my lover. There was a couple of times that he started beating me in front of my friends. At about 12 I was accused of trying to groom my younger cousin. Then when I was about 18 I was told because I forgot about my laundry because my best friend was over that I was having a homosexual lover affair with him.

He would say that if I didn't get something done that I must of been playing with my little wang or something like that. Why would he say something like that to me when I was so young?