Worthy to change

Reading "The Magic of Thinking Rich" has pointed out how I still have a tendency to believe what my father said about as a kid, that I am going to be anything. Today I know that isn't true and know that I am worthy of change. Including good health and being  wealth. There is nothing wrong with wealth as long as it is used for good because wealth is neither good or bad, it is just wealth.

I've also noticed while reading that I get upset when my girlfriend goes out to party. She was addicted when I met her so why do I think I am less worthy when she goes out. She doing it less for me but that does have anything to do with my worth in myself. It shows that she see me as worthy to change.

I realized again tonight that I started to have more memories of my childhood when Pops died in 1979 when I was 13. Not sure what it means but is interesting to note. Even though he was very sick, like a vegetable, for about 2 years before. It makes me wonder how much he contributed to my condition.

Brother visited

My brother came down to do some work for some friends of the family. I have been bothered by his visit. Feeling like I'm not noticed as much as he is. Is it because he was born first or that he had so much medical things when he was young? Am I really that defective?

Sad

Feeling sad but not sure why. Feeling some need to control what my girlfriend does but know that I can't. I want to feel like I matter, that I am noticed. Feeling like nothing I do really matter again. I hate this feeling because I know that it is true but it feels so real and true. There's got to be a way  make it go away forever.

How does one get beyond this and what sexual abuse have to do with it? I tried to read something about 200 men standing up that were abused and I couldn't. There has to be a way to remember the past so I can get past it. 

Friday in counseling memories of Pops, dad's father, came and though he was loved by everyone else there isn't the feeling in me. The memories have bad feelings with them and even body memories that seem to be of rape.

Doing crunches this week on my bed has led to attacks. I noticed that there is a feeling of rape and I think or feel that my dad, brother or my mother's second husband were involved. Still not sure who or when but writing this is bring up fear of being discovered and little shame. Shame in writing it down. Fear if one of them was to see it.

Thoughts

Early today I saw something in my head, kids standing with their dads. 1 kid had clothes on like his dad and blend in. When he was asked about it he said why not no one notice the tools that his dad uses.

I feeling like I just want to disappear. Got money problems again and that seems to be the only way to really get noticed with my family.

Don't trust Vicki to do what she says she going to do but part of that because I don't feel worth of real love.