shame chain 1.2

Looking at pron is a form of sabotage. It is a way of showing myself that I am not worthy of the good in my life. Rather that be in having a good relationship with Vicki or just life in general. Today I feel good about my life. I have money in the bank. I have a good relationship with Vicki and my family. I have no need to feel shame for anything.

I guess looking at pron is a way to feel like I did when I got clean. I don't feel shame or worthless. I haven't that way in a long time. I have been feeling pretty good about life. Why would I want to ruin that.

However, the last couple days I have been missing Merl, Earnest and Keith. Missing the old days in Eastern Area of Oklahoma.

Shame Chain 1.1

The whole purpose of the shame chain is to keep us away from Jesus. If we feel shame, how can we approach Him? Christ takes away our shame.

Shame chain

I was reading today in "Living Clean" and the thought came to me that watching pron is part of the shame chain. It causes me shame to think about watching pron. I am not sure what I am trying to hide from yet but that knowing what I am doing is part of recovery. If I stop doing things that cause me shame I will be able to look others, women, in the eyes.

Boredom

Talked with my sponsor last night about my acting out with pron. I deserved that boredom is a form of spiritual rebellion, which part it is lack of gratitude. I can feel it effecting me already but sure yet how to combat it. I am using prayer at this time to combat it. I will have to see what happens when temptation with pron comes. But, there is an excitement inside about the future.

I also realized after I got off the phone that there might be some jealousy that Vicki is still getting to use and I'm not. That would account for some of the rebellion. Not that there is anything that using really holds out to me that I want. However, the idea that I could run away from life in a different way does kind of appeal to me. I guess I'll call Ernest today and talk about it.