BJ Thomas raindrops 70s

Feeling like shit

Right now I have feel like shit because I might be at the end of my relationship with my girlfriend. I want to talk to some people but feel like they will tell me my problems aren't anything. I feel like people look at what I have to deal with and it nothing compared to theirs. Hate feeling like nothing in my life is good enough for others in concluding my problems.

I did go to an Al-anon meeting today and felt welcomed. 

Poem-Serenity

Life is up and down for me but life is still improving. Life is change and today change is always move in a good way. I know that God has a plan for me and that I'm not God, thank God. There are times when it doesn't feel like things are getting but faith is stronger than my feelings. If I run on feelings I end up in worse feelings. Chasing happiness is like chasing after a mirage, it's always out in front of my never to be reached.

I discovered long ago that serenity was what I really wanted. Serenity is a gift from God and not something I can produce, if it was then I would of found the right drugs, sex or something to do it for me a long time ago. This gift called serenity seems to come from trusting Him and being ok with myself. Some may say that comes with acceptance of oneself. I don't know what it is called but I know that when I ok with myself and God all is well.

I think I must get lost in certain relationships and when the other person stops talking to me I feel very hurt. I try reaching out but seems that the relationship is destroyed beyond any kind of repair. I feel that I don't know what happens, maybe I have cross some boundary and didn't know. I want to be heard but my voice or text goes unheard. What am I? Am I only good for nothing or like a landfill, a place to leave shit?  I hope not but maybe one day someone will be kind of enough to tell me what I did.

Maybe I'm not mean enough or abusive enough for someone. I would like to think I am respectful enough to desire respect back. I don't know what I do to lose so many friends. Hopeful one day I can see it or someone will like me be nice and not leave me.

Broken arm

When I was about 7 or 8 I was using sticks or something as drum sticks beating on a tube as a drum. I don't know how I was doing but my right wrist hit the side of the edge of the tube's bottom fractured my wrist. I remember being in the er and watching them do the x-ray and them putting the cast on. After 6 to 8 weeks I got it taken off and couple weeks later my brother and me, maybe someone else were playing in a barn. We were in the hayloft and my brother said look out there is a big bug and pushed me off. I land on a pile of hay that was somewhat hard and land on my right wrist and fractured it again. Mom was ready to kill us because it was a couple weeks before she married Jim, her second husband. She was upset because the suit had been fitted for me without the cast and had to be adjusted. Shortly after they got married we moved to California, San Diago and I still had my cast on. My brother convinced me to go swimming and he took me out to the deep end on his back. He then went under the water and I couldn't swim good because of the cast and was rescued by someone. I don't remember what happened to him but I don't like to swim as much now because of it.

My words

My words seem to mean nothing to those I care about. If I something hurts me they act like so what. It's ok for them to treat me anyway they want. I know that comes from the way I was raised but seems to happen all the time. I try to treat others with the respect I want and most relationships start with me feeling it and then they change.

I tired of feelings like I have to be like a trash can and when I ask to share how I feel or what I want, even if I know they won't do it, I have done something wrong.

I want to blog but don't know what. Feeling pretty good about myself and my relationships. Been doing some volunteering this week and have had pretty good time, stay home yesterday guess I'm used to having to be somewhere regularly but tomorrow the last day.

My counselor wants me to write about my memories and I'm feeling rebellious about even though I want to.

I remember standing on the front porch of the house in Jenks, when my mom and dad were  married. It was dad, grand dad and me. I remember smoking a cigarette, a pipe and some chewing tobacco, seems like I had some beer too. Seems like I was part of the guys then but that is all I remember.