Do I really matter

I look at my life and there doesn't seem to be anything. What good do I do? Why isn't ok just die? Nobody cares rather I live or die, as matter of fact, I think most would be glad if I just didn't exist. Why can't I just disappear, no one would notice? Who fucking cares if I live or die? I just want to fucking die, please God let me die.

Raindrops

I have the fact that I love someone but they can't make a decision for me. I know what I am asking is difficult but she can't use the excuse anymore that she can't. She keeps deciding that the old mates, places and play things are too much fun to give up. I don't want to make this decision but Monday we will be talking. She decided that she had to do drugs instead of coming home and watching "Ghost" with me. 

I can't take her out of herself the way drugs can and the pain of knowing what she is doing is too painful. I am getting tired of the raindrops on my head every weekend. I will see what happens before I make anymore plans. I will stay in the here and now without planning the results of what will happen. The clouds will be thick this weekend for sure but I will survive. Raindrops won't kill me and will help something grow into something better. 

As right now there is decision of finality, just for now and next 2 days. I want to act out sexually but I promised her that I won't. Knowing I can still love her even in my pain and keep a commitment even though in long run for us it won't probably matter but it will to Jesus and I. My hope is that she will decide to leave the drugs & mates behind. I am going to honor the commitment about not starting conversations with 3 women for myself and her.

BJ Thomas raindrops 70s

Feeling like shit

Right now I have feel like shit because I might be at the end of my relationship with my girlfriend. I want to talk to some people but feel like they will tell me my problems aren't anything. I feel like people look at what I have to deal with and it nothing compared to theirs. Hate feeling like nothing in my life is good enough for others in concluding my problems.

I did go to an Al-anon meeting today and felt welcomed. 

Poem-Serenity

Life is up and down for me but life is still improving. Life is change and today change is always move in a good way. I know that God has a plan for me and that I'm not God, thank God. There are times when it doesn't feel like things are getting but faith is stronger than my feelings. If I run on feelings I end up in worse feelings. Chasing happiness is like chasing after a mirage, it's always out in front of my never to be reached.

I discovered long ago that serenity was what I really wanted. Serenity is a gift from God and not something I can produce, if it was then I would of found the right drugs, sex or something to do it for me a long time ago. This gift called serenity seems to come from trusting Him and being ok with myself. Some may say that comes with acceptance of oneself. I don't know what it is called but I know that when I ok with myself and God all is well.

I think I must get lost in certain relationships and when the other person stops talking to me I feel very hurt. I try reaching out but seems that the relationship is destroyed beyond any kind of repair. I feel that I don't know what happens, maybe I have cross some boundary and didn't know. I want to be heard but my voice or text goes unheard. What am I? Am I only good for nothing or like a landfill, a place to leave shit?  I hope not but maybe one day someone will be kind of enough to tell me what I did.

Maybe I'm not mean enough or abusive enough for someone. I would like to think I am respectful enough to desire respect back. I don't know what I do to lose so many friends. Hopeful one day I can see it or someone will like me be nice and not leave me.

Broken arm

When I was about 7 or 8 I was using sticks or something as drum sticks beating on a tube as a drum. I don't know how I was doing but my right wrist hit the side of the edge of the tube's bottom fractured my wrist. I remember being in the er and watching them do the x-ray and them putting the cast on. After 6 to 8 weeks I got it taken off and couple weeks later my brother and me, maybe someone else were playing in a barn. We were in the hayloft and my brother said look out there is a big bug and pushed me off. I land on a pile of hay that was somewhat hard and land on my right wrist and fractured it again. Mom was ready to kill us because it was a couple weeks before she married Jim, her second husband. She was upset because the suit had been fitted for me without the cast and had to be adjusted. Shortly after they got married we moved to California, San Diago and I still had my cast on. My brother convinced me to go swimming and he took me out to the deep end on his back. He then went under the water and I couldn't swim good because of the cast and was rescued by someone. I don't remember what happened to him but I don't like to swim as much now because of it.