Scared

I want to write the things that Rachel, my counselor, but I'm scared of the writing. When I go to ask a woman out I get afraid. I my back hurts and I feel like I am good to get a belt across my back. The thought or memory that seems to go with that is when my dad had me pull my pants down with my step-mom behind me and when he tried to kill me. My dad won't let me have anything to do with girls and I think both of those were more because I didn't get my step-mom pregnant. It was by the end of that year, age 13 she started blaming for dad getting fix, said I was trying to break them up and started wear robes at night. She also talked bad about my mom.

I wanted to feel guilty for this but I don't, really I don't feel anything. I scared to like a woman or be liked. I feel like if as I or am like a woman my dad is going to beat me.

Cycle

When I start dealing with this soap-on-the-rope. It appears I start pushing people away. I start blow up at nothing.

Thinking of what happened

I don't want to think about what happened to me. I want the results but I don't want to know what happened. What is the big deal of knowing anyway? Why can I help Mercy deal her past and not mine?
I want to help her because then I don't have to look at mine. I can feel sorry for myself while feeling empathy for her. If I don't reveal anything than nothing is real. It can stay lock up. I am not a bad person the way I am. I don't want to know what happened. Why, why is it so fucking important to know. Isn't it enough to say something happen and go from there, what does telling it do.
I don't what to do homework either. It's like if I do I have be in my head. I rather talk or chat with others online. I want to be a therapist so I don't have to deal with my own life. If I don't clean house then I can focus on how bad of a person I am that way instead of looking at what happened to me in the past. If I feel bad about my self now I can look at it and not the past. I can blame today for the way I feel and act, not the past.

Digging

I feel like digging into my forearm,
Why because it feels like it would help me feel better.
What more do I need to want to.

Digging it has such a nice sound and feel.
Feels like I could get to some feeling that I don't what it is.
The only way to find out what it is,
Is to digging in to my arm or leg.

No, it doesn't seem to hurt
But it would make that place in my arm stop,
Pulsing like it does.
It pulses differently than my heart and so there is something there to get out.

What could be wrong with me digging it out.
Surely it is a bug or something that isn't suppose to be there.
It makes my hand hurt and feel all tight.

Hey, it would give me something to cry about anyway.
I haven't had a good reason to cry in a long time.
Like when growing up, Dad always said I needed something better to cry about.

Christ, I thought You took all this to the cross,
Why I'm still feeling this?
I don't want to feel it anymore.

My first Christmas

Electricity

Today about a hour ago I had my electricity was shut off, so now I with gas and electric. However, I did hear the Lord call to me to trust Him and that it was for a purpose. Making focus on school some more and praying and reading Bible.

Kind of pissed because I want some to fix my problems with transperation. I don't really want to be the one to have to figure out how to do everything.
But I have gotten a hobby I can do regularly, Dungeons & Dragons. I'm glad to know that there is no age limit for it. lol