Women and pain

I don't know but seems like with women I hurt them and don't know how to be a friend or be a boyfriend/lover. I hurt today because my online girlfriend started using 4 days ago again hard with coke. I have for the last 2 days tried to keeps my sexual addiction about abay for her. I feel hurt and betrayed. Part of me know I should not be surprised and Mercy say see I told you. But it doesn't fucking matter, I love her. I can do without sex I know it but it hurts. I want to fix her. I feel betrayed by women. 

My parents fucked me up as kid and know no one really seems to care. I feel betrayed by everyone really. I want people, especially a woman, to close to me no matter what happens. I tired of get close to a woman and then being told to fuck off. Seems like they always tell me I too fucked and I should act normal, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!

Like it was my fucking fault the one women decides to say let's voice so I hear her playing with herself. Ye, part of me wanted it but I didn't need it. I had told her I like it but didn't need her to. She me that I helped her with sex life and then it was like I abused her. I could of asked her more about her life and been a friend and not just a sex therapist in a way. But, seemed like when I did she say there's nothing to tell so that makes the fact that we talk alot about sex my fault. I am sure she will still blame because she was new in recovery and I should of left her alone. But I seem to remember that for months she wasn't talking to anyone else but I sure that doesn't count. No she hurting for what I have read and I don't what I can say because she's not really talking me. Ye, I want to fix her.

Ye, I want my girlfriend to make love to me online but don't have to have it. I trying to be honest with her about my feelings and things I have caught myself doing with others. But, she can get drugs and I can't stop her and I am not a good enough reason not too. I HATE THE FUCKING DISEASE OF ADDICTION IN ALL IT FORMS, EVEN SI. 

What does health mean? Ye, I'm fucking crying what you fucking going to do about. I'm angry at myself for caring too much about Mercy. Hate the way it hurts me and fucking comes up all the time. She thinks it about sex and I have no real clue why I get obsessed about her. I thought it was a friendship, strange one but a friendship. I hate the way she comes up in conversation with my girlfriend. I really want the best for her and her boyfriend. 

Why can't I have a good relationship with my girlfriend. How does my disease make it harder for her? God why the fuck does have to be hard for people to understand You. I want You to tell me that my girlfriend and I are going to be happy together and be health. I want to feel acceptable to people and for some fucking reason to have Mercy say you still like and cares for me. What the fuck that about?? What is it about her?

I want to learn to real show my girlfriend she is most important person to me with my son right there after her. I got 6 more years to get him to be his own person. I want him to grow up knowing that he is loved and cared for. Unlike me because if he doesn't get now it will be harder for him the rest of his life.I don't want Mercy to have so much power over me and worse part is she will probably just laugh at this. I want Dimitri to understand what love is. I want him to be better than me on the inside. 


I want to be able to talk to my girlfriend and feel that we love each other and not trying to hurt each other. I know that we aren't trying to hurt the other but it does happen. Today just hurts more than it has every. Maybe I my sexual addiction had it's hopes to high for this weekend. I don't know what to think, just feel betrayed. I don't think it is my girlfriend as it more myself that betrayed me. Too high expections on us. She got her limits and I got mine. I want her clean more than sex really, know women will think "ye right," but it is true. 


Song of the day Evanescence - Lose Control 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GyW0I-yjVE