One hell of a week

I talked with Vicki on Thursday and she confirmed my fears that she had sex with her guitar teacher. We talked for most of the day and sleep together, we had sex sometime on Thursday. Then Saturday I broke it off again because I knew that if she went to guitar she'd fuck him again. She lied to me again and said they didn't so we talked and sleep together but I did even try to get sex. Then this morning I woke up and knew something was wrong and she told me she lied. I broke it off with her again and cried when I got to church because I missed her and all the promises of a life together. Then we talked for a hour or so a little while ago and I said she needs to decide what she wants. We talked about that for her she can't really say no to anyone over there. I told her that I wanted sex hoping she just say no and she didn't but I said I couldn't because I didn't feel that it would be right.  I told when I hung up that if she was going to guitar on Saturday to text me so I could let the hope in me die.

One thing I have told Vicki over and over again is that I respect her that is most important to me. I respect myself enough to know that I could talk with her any longer tonight and feel good about it. I powerless over the fact that she lied and she doesn't really know what she wants but I not powerless over taking care of myself. Yesterday I prayed alot and felt Jesus nudge me to goto a Noon meeting and I was glad I went. Vinnie from Victoria was there and we had a nice talk after the meeting and he ask me what mistakes I had made in the relationship and I can't think of any. I almost feel bad saying that but then again I glad because there is none. 

I am reminded that not all my suffering is because of my own choices. Everybody has the freedom of will so we all have the possibilities to harm someone. I hurt most from just missing her than anything else. It's wired because I think there should be more anger than what I have about her having sex with someone else but I have been warning her that she was putting herself in places for to happen. What I am most scared of today is that she is making so she can commit suicide without much problem. 

During all my prayers I have heard Jesus say don't give up hope. That doesn't seem to fit with anything I know; however, He is the Higher Power and so whom I to argue. It's too easy to give up hope. Dear Lord, please give me a sign that says what is going to happen. No matter what I won't give hope on Him.