Feelings 1.0

I decided to try to write my feeling every morning at least and see where that goes.

Uncertain, lost, unsure, dull, lifeless, anxious, restless and  mournful

I slept 6 hours. I read in Living Clean this morning and have the feeling that this is a mourning but I don't know what I am mourning. There seems to be a lost feel with Vicki but I don't know why. She got wrecked last night so it could be that she didn't live up to my fantasy again so is in me. I hate feeling like she disappointed me when she didn't.

So what am I trying not to feel? Despite what Keith said I am in this relationship because of love not denial. The hard part about my life is explaining that is how my life always is, whether a person is involved or not. It's just awareness of something trying to get out or come up. I know that there is fear of knowing what happened in the past, maybe, fear that it wasn't as bad I thought.

Almost like a sadness because I don't have a story like most people. I seem to want to have a bad history so I can prove that I deserve to be loved and liked. What a sad thought that is. Why? Do I want to prove what Christ has done in my life or to be like most people in NA? It could be that I only feel things in an intense way so I want something bad just to feel?

Maybe, just longing to be with Vicki face to face.