Respect

I have been feeling that Vicki has been showing me a lot a disrespect this last 7-10 days. Bitching me out in the morning and evening. Asking me what I did and was no big deal then going off on me for doing it. Hate it because that is way I react to it. I have never really felt that anyone gives me much respect and seems that Vicki should give me the most.

So, what kind of respect do I show myself? Do I still feel that I deserve more respect that I deserve? How much respect of my own is based on love and should it be? Is respect and love based on the same thing or work together? Do I believe that Jesus owes me something for all the suffering in my life?

Wow, that last question just hit me!!! Do I really believe that I am owed something by a Man (God) that died for me and rose from the dead to give me life? Part of me believes that because I got clean so young and have been pretty good person I deserve more things, friends, lovers and respect. But, this still makes me think, "How much respect do I give myself?" Do I understand that I have more than I could have imagined when I got clean?

Vicki is so much more than I ever thought I would have for a girlfriend. Her using isn't out of disrespect for me, especially since she was using when we got together. Am I showing her disrespect and I haven't been willing to look at it?