Yelling and Screaming

My therapist wants me to go out somewhere where no one will be around and yell at my father. To let out all the rage that is trying to come out. She would like me to do it before next Friday our new time and before I go to Austin for a week. I will be in Austin for a week with my brother and his partner. This will be the first time my brother and I will be basically alone, no other family, in 26 or so years. I am afraid of what going to come up. I'm afraid to be with him because I'm afraid of saying the wrong.

I am afraid that I will bring up the past and get blasted with a lot of anger. I am afraid that I will start raging and not be able to stop until someone is seriously hurt or dead. Plus, I am scared that we can never really be close, like I'm not really close with anyone. Everyone thinks I should be close to my brother but I'm not and have no good reason that I know of why.

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I know that I was abused; psychically and emotionally plus have all the signs of sexual. I hate the fact that I seem to be used by my father to get his anger out on. At times I have no idea what started it but he seemed to get off on it. It also seemed that if I cried that would give him a reason to rage and get worse. He tried to kill him, he have me pull my pants down and have my step-mom stand behind me as he give me swats. He had me take showers with him when I between 11-13 with the excuse of water pressure or lack of hot water.

I hated taking showers with him because we were in a small shower and I'd have to see his penis. I can remember much about it but there is a feeling of fear.

I can remember a trip on a weekend that he and I went to the family trailer at the lake to rake leafs or something. I don't remember much about the trip except that we went to hot stand we do as a guy thing and later that night get sick and vomiting all up. Most of the trip is a blank for me, which seems strange because that was the only trip I can remember it was just us. Based on what I hear from most people those are the kind of trips that have fond memories.

It seemed that my father looked for way to shame me. Like one time he made a necklace thing out of yarn and a picture of a tv that I was suppose to wear all the time and when someone asked me about it I was suppose to tell them it was a picture of my lover. There was a couple of times that he started beating me in front of my friends. At about 12 I was accused of trying to groom my younger cousin. Then when I was about 18 I was told because I forgot about my laundry because my best friend was over that I was having a homosexual lover affair with him.

He would say that if I didn't get something done that I must of been playing with my little wang or something like that. Why would he say something like that to me when I was so young?

Rage 1.1

Tonight I had a thought about Vicki using again today and got angry. I got angrier because I was angry. Went to dinner and started to rage inside. I have no ideal what I was raging about. I know that it wasn't Vicki, she was just the trigger for it. After dinner Vicki moved to her bedroom and said she didn't know what to say because I usually get pissed off. Which of a course pissed me off. The good thing was I was able not to take it out on her.

I went to a meeting and when I turned onto 35 I thought that Amanda, therapist, would want to write about it. I had two thoughts at that moment, I can't and I won't. Then the rage really hipped up. By the time I got half way there I wasn't to kill my parents, kill and destroy things and flip my car. I wanted to be like "Wolverine." I the group kind of about it and about the topic. I talked to Don after the meeting for a while and feel calmer.

I'm still raging on the inside but not wanting to kill anymore. I still want to hurt someone, mostly my father. I want to hurt him like he hurt me as a kid. Actually, I want to tear his arms and legs off. I would say that right now is probably the closest I've ever felt to hate. He used me in many way but never really protected me. Even when I was 18 or 19 he tried to break my wrist by twisting it and that is the only time I hit him. That is the last time he ever threaten also. I also know that my son has been safe with him because he knows that if I found out that he ever did the same thing to him I'd kill him.

I just want to feel respected by those I love. Why isn't it enough that I am clean and basically health.

Wanting to Rage

I have noticed that I have wanted to rage at anyone but Vicki. With my therapist I want to rage at her for telling me that I don't need to remember what happened to me and then break through her third story window and jump. I want someone to piss me off so I can rage and feel justified for yelling and whatever I do.

since of self

My therapist wants me to write about what I remember and about how I'm doing. What I think I have discovered today is that I am afraid to write. Fear of just being nothing and writing about myself will show that to be true.

I know I have all the signs of being sexually abused but can't remember when. What did that person take from me. I want to be able to know what I am feeling most of the time, the part that let's me know myself. I am angry because I can't remember who or when and that is part of me. It's not a pleasant part of my life but it is part of it. Being able to remember it and feel what happened to me will allow me to feel myself today.

I want to be able to go through life and remember my life. I tired of feeling blank and my life feeling blank. I have been given the gift of being told that I have been of value to others recently, even last night.

I ready to be able to function like I want. To be able to write and sing. The thing with singing is that I can't remember songs. I want to find value in myself all the time. I have noticed that recently I have felt it but is fling.

My life is worth something!