I can feel my depression which is new. It feels like I want to crawl in bed and just sleep.
I feel guilty because I can't wait to have sex with Vicki in 5 days. It's been a long time since I've been with her that I want to be with her for a while before sex but she has said that she's the same. I don't want sex to overwhelm me but with Vicki compared to Cherie is completely different. Vicki doesn't see it as something dirty which Cherie did.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Talking
Why is talking so hard? I need to see the reason so that I can move on. What is the benefit of not having anything to talk about? Do I use time with Vicki as an excuse to do nothing outside the house and why? I hate feeling blank. Is that what my parents gave me?
The other day I was listening a mp3 album (Alleluia! by Gaither Vocal Band) that I download that was a 8 track tape when I was in my early teens, which probably help me survive. I remember singing some of the songs in church and then going afterward with my Dad and step-mom out to look at houses on parade of homes. It was a pleasant memory but kind of sad. Sad in that it was just looking at homes. What are good memories suppose to be like?
The album also allowed me to feel the sadness I felt when I was a kid. A sadness of knowing that Christ was real but my family wasn't. As a human being in a world where I wasn't allowed to be a human being. The music on the album touched me in a way that almost nothing else did, kind of like an anchor. That anchor seems to be missing today.
The other day I was listening a mp3 album (Alleluia! by Gaither Vocal Band) that I download that was a 8 track tape when I was in my early teens, which probably help me survive. I remember singing some of the songs in church and then going afterward with my Dad and step-mom out to look at houses on parade of homes. It was a pleasant memory but kind of sad. Sad in that it was just looking at homes. What are good memories suppose to be like?
The album also allowed me to feel the sadness I felt when I was a kid. A sadness of knowing that Christ was real but my family wasn't. As a human being in a world where I wasn't allowed to be a human being. The music on the album touched me in a way that almost nothing else did, kind of like an anchor. That anchor seems to be missing today.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Down
Feeling down and angry.
Angry because I need to forgive my parents for the way they raise me or more like the lack therein. My son would have a better father, I could be a better friend and I could take shower more regularly. Why can't I see them suffer for the way I raised, the neglect and abuse. Why can't I beat them or something? It's only fair that I get to make them suffer somehow, isn't it?
I don't want to let them off the hook. I want to watch them suffer. However, I don't what good that would do me. What good would me confronting them about the way I was raised going to do for me?
God, why do I have to forgive my mother for not being there for me? I needed her to protect me and she didn't. She was home for me and let thing happen to me. She was too worried about what would happen to her and not the least concerned about what was happening to me.
I want to be happy. I want to have memories of the life I lived. I want to know that I am important and there is a reason for me being here.
Angry because I need to forgive my parents for the way they raise me or more like the lack therein. My son would have a better father, I could be a better friend and I could take shower more regularly. Why can't I see them suffer for the way I raised, the neglect and abuse. Why can't I beat them or something? It's only fair that I get to make them suffer somehow, isn't it?
I don't want to let them off the hook. I want to watch them suffer. However, I don't what good that would do me. What good would me confronting them about the way I was raised going to do for me?
God, why do I have to forgive my mother for not being there for me? I needed her to protect me and she didn't. She was home for me and let thing happen to me. She was too worried about what would happen to her and not the least concerned about what was happening to me.
I want to be happy. I want to have memories of the life I lived. I want to know that I am important and there is a reason for me being here.
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