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I don't know what I am feeling just feeling strange. For one thing, I am writer without being able to write. I seem to feel out of place. Maybe, it is because it is Wednesday and Vicki didn't go out drinking and doing coke. You think I would be feel good about that. Could I be scared that something worse is coming?

Feel bad

Today I don't feel good. I feel that it is a kind of resentment or bitterness. For the fact that I can't get Vicki clean. I wish God would allow me to fix her. I hate not being able to say anything that makes a difference. I don't want to be her higher power but I would like to have the power get her clean. 

I wish I had the power to give her a vision of what life would be like if she was clean. However, I don't have that power. There is nothing I can say that will give her any ideal how much better life can be. She doesn't even see that her life is in danger as long as she is using. 

I am scared for our relationship. I want to believe that I could be there for her no matter what. I know that it will more difficult once we are together if she is still using. I have told her that I will not risk my recovery or life if she keeps using when we are together. 

I hate it when I over-react when one of her mates calls her, even if she doesn't go out. It seems to be get worse, maybe it's the holidays. Plus, knowing that it is getting closer to the time when I can go see her. See that she doesn't seem to be trying to quit so that when I get there we can spend alot of time together. I feel very unimportant to her and even though I understand the disease doesn't help. 

It also pisses me off knowing that everyone is against us. At least, it feels that everyone is. I want the happy feelings back. I still need to work on my 8th Step.  

Angry and Sad

Today I am angry and sad because Vicki went out with some mates to a pub. She said she wouldn't be doing any drinking or coke but I heard that before. I know that I can't ask her to give up her mates for me but I would like her too. I scared that she going to die or she is going to decide that it is too difficult to get clean. There is nothing I can really do to make this feeling go away except acknowledge it. 

How do I take the sting out of it? How do I love her and let her make her own mistakes? I know that she isn't doing it to hurt me but it doesn't make it hurt less. Acknowledge the painful situation is suppose to take away the pain, right? 

I am angry because she doesn't seem to trust me. I hate feeling trustworthy and being told that I am but being treated the opposite. I am angry because she's not as open as me. Which makes me realized that I pissed at the world because there doesn't seem to be anyone that wants my openness. I am told how great it is that I am so open but I have learn that others can't. What's so fucking hard about being open, you just do it! It's not that hard to be open. I'm not afraid of what others are going to do with it because they will more than likely do it anyway. 

I am sad because I want so much good for her and I. Sad because no matter what I do or say it won't matter because the drugs are stronger. I hate that my love isn't enough!!! I want to be her knight in shining armor but I want to be her lover too. However, knights can't save damsels in distress if they don't let them. I am sad because I really love her and I don't want to rescue her. It's not like with Cherie, whom I did just want to rescue.    

Powerlessness

I think powerlessness in a relationship is much worse than the powerlessness I feel over drugs. At least, with drugs, SI and cutting I can see it and do something about it. Being powerless over someone I love and care about are hell. I can see when I am trying to control them like I can with those other things. It's a painful reminder of how inadequate I am. Where my love isn't enough to help someone else that I truly care for. I know I get more angry at myself because I know that it is true but I still expect the other person to honor me by not doing or doing what I ask. 

I guess the reservation that goes with that is that since they can see and hear me they would honor me at least as much if not more than Jesus or God, Whom they can't. I want to be worthy enough for people to show me that I do matter. There is too much time in my life where it seems that I'm not even noticed. Like a road that got built to somewhere but went no where so people quickly abandon me. 

I feel uselessness again. It like I am given a small reprieve from it so that when it comes back it is worse than before. It's like I am useful as a rock to push oneself up but not worth remembering after that. It's more like it is useless for me to reach out to make friends or form loving relationships because I seem to have nothing anybody really seems to need. I ready to just give up. 

Maybe, people are drawn to me because I am like a vacuum and my powerlessness is used to clean some of their pain so they can go on living. Like I am a blackhole, the cosmic flair draws and then sucks away the trash. I get nothing out of the relationship because like a blackhole what is drawn to is lost into some unknown place. It's great for the other person because they lose the trash but I don't get anything out of it, the trash disappears and the person flee when they realize I am a blackhole. 

I have some gratitude because I know I have a relationship with Jesus and that He does comfort me. If He didn't comfort me I would of be sucked into my own blackhole years ago. I know on the other side of death Jesus will reveal all the good I did here so I am able to go on. There are times though it would be nice to go for quite a while and be able to see what worth I am. Is it wrong to want to feel worth here and now?

 

New level with Vicki

Today I talked with Vicki about our relationship. We talked about how I saw her and how she thought I saw her. It's hard to for her to she herself as sexy woman. I see her as a sexy woman. I told her that I see her as a woman that is the most beautiful woman, it doesn't necessarily mean it is true but is true for me.

What's the difference?

I'm not sure what I thinking or what I want to know. I think I hope Mercy reads this and emails me some thoughts. I know that I have blogged about this before but still wondering. What is the difference between friendship and co-dependency?

I have many friendships that have gone by the wayside. I would like to know for sure if that is what is happening with Karin and Mercy. I had never been as close to a woman as I was to Mercy, was closer than with my ex. Now, I know that my relationship with Vicki is even closer than what Mercy and me had and not sure how to talk with Karin and Mercy now. (I guess I should say I hope Karin reads this too.) 

To a large degree I understand that my sexual addiction has become a problem with us. Maybe more in my head than in reality but I pretty sure that it is there too. There is no way to totally repair the damage done but it can heal. 

Anyway, I really want the both of you to know that I really miss the friendship we had and that I still care very much for you. I will be the best friend I can and hopeful that is good enough.

Vicki

Well, today Vicki choose to get coke and weed, even after she just said she wasn't. I sent her some stuff to sell on ebay and told her not to contact me until it gets there. I going to take time to listen to Jesus. I don't know what is in store for our relationship. I love her but she keeps saying she wants to quit for me but wants to keep smoking weed. The problem with that is that she then to get drunk and wrecked on coke. I can't take it much longer. She is going to have to decide if she wants to be with me or keep doing the drugs.