Sad

Feeling sad and sure why. Don't know if there needs to be a reason. The song Scarborough Fair is a song that kind of fits, at least, the tune does. It's the kind of sad that doesn't seem to have any purpose at all. However, the good thing is today I know it is sad. I have lived for too long not really understanding what I felt and it is nice to know that is sad.

If you don't understand that is ok most people don't. Most people know what it is like to feel emotions and won't understand being glad to feel sad. But, I have gone most of my life having no idea what it felt like. It's a terrible existions not having emotions. People always telling you that you are wrong. I know that I do it something like that we Vicki so will need to watch out for it.
Scarborough Fair/Canticle

Something revealed

I have noticed that this last weekend that I have wanted sex more than I have in a while, at least more intensely. Some of it maybe because of Vicki moving into her own flat and the other part is her using Friday. I was reading in NA's Basic Text about honesty, willingness and open-mindedness and realized that I have been wanting it to fix the frustration I have been feeling. I know that her moving out of her family's home allows her to make more notice so it is partly just the idea being new again.

Frustration in her using her first night in her flat got to me and I wanted to use it to my advantage to get sex but I didn't. I managed to respect her and not force what I wanted. I know that humans do have the need for sex but I want to make love to her and not fuck her. So, if I am force her to give it to me it isn't making love. Forcing sex is a form of abuse to me and I can't allow myself to go there.

However, there is a lot of frustration in the fact that even though now I have a diagnosis that fits my condition doesn't make it any easier to deal with, most of the time. So, I am sure that I allow the frustration this situation to push me to push for sex. Another part that makes this frustrating is just because I admit to this doesn't make it go away right a way. I want a quick fix for her and me.

Transforming Anger: The HeartMath Solution for Letting Go of Rage, Frustration, and Irritation

Percy Gets Upset: Emotional Skills: Dealing with Frustration (Stuart J. Murphy's I See I Learn)

Fantasy in Love

I was reading "Living Clean" from NA and found something that made a lot  of sense to me. I have been having trouble deciding why Vicki using is resulting in such a violent reaction from me. "Living Clean"  says, "When we love a fantasy, we get angry with reality. Anger at reality is the opposite of acceptance." The fantasy is that Vicki said she wants to be clean and I fantasize that means she is going to do it. Reality is that she can say it and mean it but not do anything about it. My anger does either of us any good.

Reality is that she does love and care me. The fantasy is that if she really loved me then she get clean. However, as a recovering drug addict also I know that the reality is a truth and doesn't change the fact that she is still using. I know that I am important to her but her addiction is stronger than her love. I have hope that she is going to get clean soon. I see that she is starting to feel the reality of using and what it can take from her.

It's not just using drugs but that she gambles when she get wrecked. She just moved into her flat last night and gambled some of her rent money. She is freaking out about and sad thing is that I also told her that if she lies to me again I am going to finish the relationship. I asked her once, maybe more than once, if is was necessary for her to lose everything before she was willing to change. She says again last night and today that last night was enough but we will wait and see.

The fact is now I have to decide how to accept reality, either way.

Love & Other Drugs

New Diagnosis

Well, Tuesday the 2nd I was informed that I have conditions called Conversion and Somatization Disorders which seems to be where you don't feel emotions and when they are ready to surface I get paralyzed. I also believe that I have Depersonalization and Dissociative Disorders. So, I will still need counseling.

What is a committed relationship like?

Most people say that it is when you don't fuck someone else and most of the time you only see one person. However, when you are see one person it should also mean that when you say something about what you are going to do you follow up with it. Problem is that if you are with a practicing addict, like I am, then addict got a different idea of what it means to say going to do something. If they are offer drugs then it should be understood and ok that they changed their mind. The only promise that you can count on from a practicing addict is that you will be lied too.

Since I know that how long do I give in and let it be ok. It no longer is ok and tired of the heart ache. I have no excuses for allowing the heart ache to continue. I know that I love her and she has made some changes but then starts leaving again. She got excuses like I am not there, it her mates and she just got too. I also know that she loves me but I also understand that her addiction is stronger than her love for me.

No matter what I know and understand it still hurts terribly. She has no real idea what it feels like when she says she got out her mates because they are her mates and she never going to leave them no matter what harm it does. I to the point right now that I think that it might be best for me to let her go. She tells me that she knows that being with me is a better life but the coke is more fun. Well, there was a time when I thought our life together was going to be great but now it is too painful. Our business is finally starting to really do good but I can't take her taking money to get high and then making excuses why she can't do the posting like she said she do.

She's got no real clue of the harm she is doing to me or anyone else. Last week she lied to me all week and I know she was but I am not there to point out. When she came clean about it sent to a place in our relationship that I had been to in a long time. Right now I don't trust her and feel that she is fucking someone. She maybe only blowing them sometimes to get free drugs and I think it is all for drugs. So, it comes down to how much longer I can take it?

She is moving to her own flat in about a week and half which she think will make a big difference but I'm not so sure. I am to the point where my hope for our future is about dead.

Freedom from the anger of the Pharisees

Freedom from anger comes from remembering that Christ is the Judge of the everyone. The religious leaders in the time of Christ thought God had given them the right to tell people what God wanted them to do or what they had been doing wrong. Today that is the Holy Spirit's job and we are to come along with them to support them.

Interesting fact that in Acts 10:39 disciples say they were told to let everyone know that He, Christ Jesus was to be the Judge of the living and the dead. If He wanted everyone to know that could it be that we are to judge others. Somewhere else in the Bible it says that man just on the outside but God judges the heart. Again, it says to test the teaching not to prove that someone is a false teacher but to protect ourselves with His Sword and shield.

“For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; it is he who will save us.” Isaiah 33:22 NIV
I find it interesting how people could read Scripture, really read it, and still believe they have the right to tell others how to believe. I know that I have done this so I not speaking as someone who innocent of such acts. I am grateful that Jesus has allowed me to see when I have stepped over the line. Today I can discuss spiritual issues and if they get to a point where it becomes a battle to end it.

I couldn't think of a good title for this.

The last month and half has been hell with my HYOPP and this last week has been the worst. My head feels heavy and dozy but I can't sleep during the day. The attacks on my legs are lasting longer.