Wanting to Rage

I have noticed that I have wanted to rage at anyone but Vicki. With my therapist I want to rage at her for telling me that I don't need to remember what happened to me and then break through her third story window and jump. I want someone to piss me off so I can rage and feel justified for yelling and whatever I do.

since of self

My therapist wants me to write about what I remember and about how I'm doing. What I think I have discovered today is that I am afraid to write. Fear of just being nothing and writing about myself will show that to be true.

I know I have all the signs of being sexually abused but can't remember when. What did that person take from me. I want to be able to know what I am feeling most of the time, the part that let's me know myself. I am angry because I can't remember who or when and that is part of me. It's not a pleasant part of my life but it is part of it. Being able to remember it and feel what happened to me will allow me to feel myself today.

I want to be able to go through life and remember my life. I tired of feeling blank and my life feeling blank. I have been given the gift of being told that I have been of value to others recently, even last night.

I ready to be able to function like I want. To be able to write and sing. The thing with singing is that I can't remember songs. I want to find value in myself all the time. I have noticed that recently I have felt it but is fling.

My life is worth something!

I remember as an early teen living in Oklahoma w/my Dad and step-mom, even the year or so before being a teen. I was alone no one was really allowed over and I was allowed really to go anywhere. It's seem bad when you think about being that age and have to play w/imagery friends. I run around the yard or ride the mini-bike to avoid being in the house.

I hate not being able to have anyone I can real rely on. I know that I can rely on Jesus but it would be nice to have a person whom I can count on. I know that everyone lets us down once in a while but I like to have someone more reliable.

Lack of consteration

I have been having trouble consternating and my psychologist thinks that it might be something I learned as a kid. As in having to be hypersensitive of what was going on around as a way to survive. I remember as a kid laying in bed real still to hear if there was sexual sounds from my parents. Up until last few years everytime I would lose consternation it seemed to always involve sex in some way. I don't remember doing it when I lived in California w/Mom & Jim but after I moved to Oklahoma w/Dad & Debbie.

Frustrated because I don't have all the money I wanted to be able to goto England. 

I feel kind guilty for not blogging in a while. Then again it is for me and no one else.

Gratitude though does have a lot to do with it. I am grateful to have this as a place to write things down. Things feel just a little off and I am not sure why. My sponsor pointed out that it could just be that my prospective on life is off, like what is real or not.

I start seeing a new counselor, therapist or psychologist on the 19th. I think I going to ask about hypnosis to see if I can get the past faster. My paralysis hasn't been as big a deal recently but physical pain has gotten worse. I believe that is part of my condition and that something is trying to surface. And I am scared of being catatonic for the rest of my life. I know that most like it won't happen but the fear is there. The other fear is that I will have to confront my family and I don't think it will help any. I started to feel somewhat comfortable around my family so why mess it up?


Why can't just deal with it and move on? I know I am willing, is there something besides willingness that is needed? What part of honesty do I need? Or could there be fear of what if I accept it? Does accepting that I got raped, maybe, before the age of 6 make me less of a person? Does saying that give more power to that person?