Disconnected

Not sure that disconnected it really what to call it. It's more like rejected or abandon. I feel like Mercy and Karin have decided that I am not worth talking to anymore. Maybe I am just too scary for them. I don't know what the fuck I did that has caused them to stop talking.
I feel like I'm nobody to them now. I working on getting to know more people online but I don't what it is that different with us. They think it is because they are 20 but age has nothing to do with it. I think part was with Mercy I talked to her for so long and didn't try hard enough to connect with others online that it was for me taking a hostage, even though she probably didn't realize I felt that way. Hard to know what is was for me but I know that I haven't been on my anti-depressants since August and that could be part of it. Karin, I'm just concerned but probably talked to her too much to.
I know that I getting better but I fucking hate this feeling of not being good enough. I feel like Mercy can't stand me now because I'm not Ash. Ok, so that is jealousy and I'm willing to admit it. Does that make me a bad person to admit that no, just human.

Wanting to write a poem

Wanting to write a poem. Partly because my two women friends that blog have poems and the music I went to see had poems that were put to music. I have no idea what it is but I can feel it in my head. Went on a art tour today and there is artistic theme moving me, something that hasn't happened in many years. I know that it is there because many years ago I did paint and wrote some poetry. What has happened to me that has caused it all to fade away.
Reading the "Struggle For Intimacy" seems to be playing a part also. Intimacy has become the theme for the month or maybe longer. Intimacy is a great theme for me and maybe part of the poem and art. Intimacy bring to mind so many distorted ideas of relationships. The thought that comes to me mind just here the word tells me that I have no real idea of the meaning. I am grateful as a guy to know that it isn't talking about sex but not sure the meaning.
Intimacy doesn't necessarily mean love as the one most of us think of love. I think when most people think of love it is between a man and woman, as in lovers. However, I have an intimate relationship with my sponsor and a sponsee. I learning online intimacy with women that I hope will transfer into intimacy with a f2f relationship with a women and then with a woman, even to the point of a lover. Intimacy what a scarier thought for a person whom grow- up in an abusive home. The idea of co-dependent no more is scary but in a strange way because I truly don't want to admit that I'm still co-dependent on anyone.

BLAH...

Teenager

My thoughts seem so much like what I hear about teenagers, guys, thoughts. Seems like the way I have been thinking talking with women that last few years seems more like a teenager. Feels like I am see what I can talk about with them which seems like I should of been a teenager. Seems like it is backwards for me. When I was teenager I knew you did talk that way with girls but now I wondering if that was wrong. Is that why I didn't get fucked like other guys?

I am confused when it comes to talking about sexual things with women. Sounds like to point it is good but what? Dan, on the Realm, that he doesn't like to talk to women online or even f2f by himself because to easy to end up talking about sex and that leads to trouble. Seems funny to me the more people tell this is wrong more it seems to happen. I wish I could see my thought patterns better. I afraid of hurt someone without knowing it. I don't want to be a predator.

I just want a woman that cares for and I can be sexual with because she wants to give to me as a gift. I want that special relationship even if starts out online. I would like have special friend but really a girlfriend that I can talk about it and act out with no guilt. Girlfriend because we have made the commitment.

I do have a special friend but she has someone in her life. I'm still looking at how wrong I may or may not be doing in that relationship. She me understand myself as I help her.

Dear Lord Jesus,

I tired of feeling like I am a failure. Why won't You change the way I feel? I grateful that You are big enough to hear me say that and love me just the same as before. I'm not totally grateful for the bomb that went off in my relationship with Mercy I am glad that we didn't let it destroy it. I have grown a lot in the last couple months.

Help me see rebellion for what it is. Like when someone says you look like you are doing this and I feel that I'm not I start to act somewhat like that. It's the type of rebellion says, "I'm not acting that way but I want to know what it is." I like me and I want to be strong without causing harm. I'm tired of feeling like I have to meet others exceptions of recovery or lack there of.

I thank You for my recovery. For the empathy You have given. Help remember others' opinion of me don't matter as much as Your.

Accepting myself as I am now

My new counselor suggested that I accept that the way my memory and feeling are now maybe the way they are going to be for the rest of my life. Fact is I know that is a possibility but I fucking don't want that way. I want to know what happened in past just because it is part of my life and how it has effected the rest of my life.