Today I feel so powerless in my relationship. How does one love someone that is still using and doesn't see that hanging around the old mates is a problem? I feel so weak when it comes to her. I want her but her using keeps getting in the way. It's so easy for others to tell me to leave her without thinking what it means to me. It's like they don't care that I love her.
I want to walk closer to Jesus. I believe that I need to find a way to let Him get deeper into me. Dear Lord, have I stopped doing something that allows You to be my first love? Jesus is calling to me today and I can hear Him. The song "Jesus" by Velvet Underground has struck a cord inside me.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Real
I want to feel real. What does real feel like. Mercy says that I won't want what she has but at least it sounds like there's reality in it. I have no reality just emptiness. It's like outside my body there is nothing but gray and inside is a black-hole.
Maybe that's what I werewolf, vampire or a ghost might feel like. Being in the world but not part of it. If you reach out to touch something or someone you pass right through or destroy it. Is it possible for me to be part of the real world?
Talk with my counselor today and was able to put some kind of time line on when I moved in with Dad and Deb. Seems like the years from 1976-1980 are important to me making some kind of progress. I called my sponsor tonight and told him about it and about why I seem to be almost unable to write. At this time, this only writing I have been able to do. Plus, I can barely read anything at this time too. Might have something to do with how Dad and Deb reacted to something I wrote when Micheal Karl try to kill himself when I was about 14. I was told I was allow to feel like what I wrote so I guess I gave up on feeling at all.
Maybe that's what I werewolf, vampire or a ghost might feel like. Being in the world but not part of it. If you reach out to touch something or someone you pass right through or destroy it. Is it possible for me to be part of the real world?
Talk with my counselor today and was able to put some kind of time line on when I moved in with Dad and Deb. Seems like the years from 1976-1980 are important to me making some kind of progress. I called my sponsor tonight and told him about it and about why I seem to be almost unable to write. At this time, this only writing I have been able to do. Plus, I can barely read anything at this time too. Might have something to do with how Dad and Deb reacted to something I wrote when Micheal Karl try to kill himself when I was about 14. I was told I was allow to feel like what I wrote so I guess I gave up on feeling at all.
WTF
I still feel like I am not really heard. When my girlfriend tells me she is going out drinking it's like she expects me to say great have a great time, not! Then I have a girl friend that doesn't believe in God and got upset with 12 Step Programs for seemingly telling her she had to get on board. So, when I talked about or rant about my God she tells there no God so get on board, WTF! I tell my family that I don't want to go and down something and they say come it will be fun, like you going rather you want to or not. I go Al-anon and they say that it not their place to tell someone what to do with their alcoholic but they seem to think ok to tell to leave my girlfriend.
I understand that some of it is just the way I feel but WTF! Does maturity make that feeling lessen? How does detachment work without having leave the relationship? I know that Vicki, my girlfriend, very is in love with and cares for me, just wish that weakened the pain. I know that Mercy and Crew is a great friend and the only person that I know of that has been willing to work through painful things in our friendship.
However, I really love Vicki and I never wanted to lose her. I have told her that there is only two reasons that we wouldn't make it: she ends it or the pain of her using get too great. I wish I could guarantee but life doesn't allow for that. Feelings are so fucking crazy and like right I don't like them.
I understand that some of it is just the way I feel but WTF! Does maturity make that feeling lessen? How does detachment work without having leave the relationship? I know that Vicki, my girlfriend, very is in love with and cares for me, just wish that weakened the pain. I know that Mercy and Crew is a great friend and the only person that I know of that has been willing to work through painful things in our friendship.
However, I really love Vicki and I never wanted to lose her. I have told her that there is only two reasons that we wouldn't make it: she ends it or the pain of her using get too great. I wish I could guarantee but life doesn't allow for that. Feelings are so fucking crazy and like right I don't like them.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Betrayal
I feel very betrayed by my girlfriend. The problem with that is that I knew that she was a practicing addict when I asked to be my girlfriend. I feel betrayed by God because He doesn't seem to care if I have anything nice. As soon as I get something nice it is ruined by something. Why can't I have nice things or time?
Surely, God there is a reason and You are allowed to tell me. I have no fucking memories of my childhood, almost nothing since. What the fuck am I living for? I don't see that I do anyone or anything any good. I tired of fucking living, if the only reason I am alive to give everyone someone to bitch at then I ready to die.
Maybe the best thing for me to do is to sign everything over to my mom and then fucking kill myself. Nobody really gives a fuck about me. Maybe it would better to just off myself and not fucking care what happens afterwards. Why should I care what happens then since no really cares what happens to me.
Surely, God there is a reason and You are allowed to tell me. I have no fucking memories of my childhood, almost nothing since. What the fuck am I living for? I don't see that I do anyone or anything any good. I tired of fucking living, if the only reason I am alive to give everyone someone to bitch at then I ready to die.
Maybe the best thing for me to do is to sign everything over to my mom and then fucking kill myself. Nobody really gives a fuck about me. Maybe it would better to just off myself and not fucking care what happens afterwards. Why should I care what happens then since no really cares what happens to me.
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