Envying what others has more to do with emotional things than material. Material has never been a big thing for me because I know that they can be replaced. However, it impossible to really replace emotional things. There is no item that could ever replace the feeling of love. Acceptance is something that really only comes from others.
This envy seems to have a partner named resentment. I read that resentment is a vicious type of self-pity. There is an emotion that I am quite familiar with. Self-pity learns how to disguise itself as something else. Is it really self-pity that says "Why don't I get calls like everyone else?" Wow, maybe it's not really self-pity disguising itself as much as it is envy.
Envy, "As iron is eaten by rust, so are the envious consumed by envy —Livy." I think that this is worse thing that I learned because of the abuse as child. Physical and emotional with neglect is the worst; because, it can be done when the abuse is present as away. You see others with what looks like lots of friends and those that you hang out with aren't really friends. The part that make this the most dangerous is the fact that you can never get any proof one way or the other.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I grateful that feelings aren't facts because the last 36 hours has been horrible. I'm not sure what it is. I have been unable to walk since Monday and have had full body attacks almost every evening after dinner. I haven't been away from the house since last weekend. I am sure that being stuck here is apart of the feeling.
It started Friday night with bad thoughts of Vicki going to guitar on Saturday and as of now they all seem to wrong, which is great. But, I feel that something happened that she not telling me. The good thing is that it could be my insecurity. We are going through a time of growing. We are growing personally and as a couple. Relationship struggles are one of the most difficult things a person can go through. I have a lot of hope that this is more like growing pains than anything.
Throwing in this health issues that I am going through doesn't help at all. I was going to drive to get Dimitri this weekend but you have to have legs to drive. So, I think there is some let down because of not being able to get back to Tulsa for the weekend. Not being mobile effects the way I feel about myself, I feel alone and abandoned. The good thing right now is that I don't feel abandoned by Christ or really by Vicki. When it comes to Vicki this is when I wish we were together.
I am so in love with Vicki and I really don't expect much from her. All I really want to do with her is to share a long and happy life together. Isn't that what we want when we think about being in love with someone? It feels good to know that she loves me the same way. There seems to be a strong desire to get to know each other better. The knowing where you get the point where you lose those bad feelings that come over you. Getting to the point where you know the other person in a way that feels like you are almost the same. A kind of trust that can't be explained.
"Sunshine On My Shoulders" is a feeling that fits the way I feel about Vicki.
It makes me want to cry. Not the kind of cry
of sadness both happiness and joy. How does
one describe the feeling of love and longing for
another person? It's not just a longing for the way they feel in your arms but the kind where you want share your inner most feelings and thoughts of the other person. It's a feeling where you could get lost with other person anywhere there was no people and all would be well.
Love songs are thought to belong to romantic nights or women
It started Friday night with bad thoughts of Vicki going to guitar on Saturday and as of now they all seem to wrong, which is great. But, I feel that something happened that she not telling me. The good thing is that it could be my insecurity. We are going through a time of growing. We are growing personally and as a couple. Relationship struggles are one of the most difficult things a person can go through. I have a lot of hope that this is more like growing pains than anything.
Throwing in this health issues that I am going through doesn't help at all. I was going to drive to get Dimitri this weekend but you have to have legs to drive. So, I think there is some let down because of not being able to get back to Tulsa for the weekend. Not being mobile effects the way I feel about myself, I feel alone and abandoned. The good thing right now is that I don't feel abandoned by Christ or really by Vicki. When it comes to Vicki this is when I wish we were together.
I am so in love with Vicki and I really don't expect much from her. All I really want to do with her is to share a long and happy life together. Isn't that what we want when we think about being in love with someone? It feels good to know that she loves me the same way. There seems to be a strong desire to get to know each other better. The knowing where you get the point where you lose those bad feelings that come over you. Getting to the point where you know the other person in a way that feels like you are almost the same. A kind of trust that can't be explained.
"Sunshine On My Shoulders" is a feeling that fits the way I feel about Vicki.
It makes me want to cry. Not the kind of cry
of sadness both happiness and joy. How does
one describe the feeling of love and longing for
another person? It's not just a longing for the way they feel in your arms but the kind where you want share your inner most feelings and thoughts of the other person. It's a feeling where you could get lost with other person anywhere there was no people and all would be well.
Love songs are thought to belong to romantic nights or women
but I have learned this morning that they are for me. They have
found this morning when things seem wrong to get them out and
listen to them. Other than feeling her in my arms they are closest
to feel close her.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wanting to be loved 1
"The Beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." Thomas Merton: No Man Is an Island
I just finished reading Dave Pelzer's "A Child Called it and The Lost Boy." It was about a boy that was severely abused, was taken out it & put into foster care. I know that there was some abuse of me as a child but how much is a mystery. I seemed to have repressed most of my childhood. The part that got me in these books was the point he keep saying all he wanted was to be loved. Such a human desire that most people really don't understand because they grew up with it do a large degree.
But, just the reading of wanting to be loved makes me want to cry. I soon as I read this words I feel an empty pit inside me that usually is almost none existent. Which is how I feel most of the time, none existent. It's like that to everyone that I am barely really here. Most of the time it feels that even family can walk right by me and not even notice that I am here.
Vicki is the only person in my life that usually let's me know that I am a real person. I get hurt when her drug addiction kicks in and she leaves. My son can also make me feel real and I that we both have a connection because of his mother. To be loved means to be a real person.
So, what exactly is love? Acceptance is a large part of love. Acceptance that says that you matter just because you are you. Noticing things about someone feels with out having to be told. Most people I know don't mean it when they ask me "How are you?" I no longer ask that unless I want to know. I have one friend, name Caren, that calls me just to chat with me. I don't have to do anything and it makes me feel cared for. Even though she is calling to talk and does most of it :) I know that she is checking up on me. I have a few friends that I can just call and talk to without needing answers.
I just finished reading Dave Pelzer's "A Child Called it and The Lost Boy." It was about a boy that was severely abused, was taken out it & put into foster care. I know that there was some abuse of me as a child but how much is a mystery. I seemed to have repressed most of my childhood. The part that got me in these books was the point he keep saying all he wanted was to be loved. Such a human desire that most people really don't understand because they grew up with it do a large degree.
But, just the reading of wanting to be loved makes me want to cry. I soon as I read this words I feel an empty pit inside me that usually is almost none existent. Which is how I feel most of the time, none existent. It's like that to everyone that I am barely really here. Most of the time it feels that even family can walk right by me and not even notice that I am here.
Vicki is the only person in my life that usually let's me know that I am a real person. I get hurt when her drug addiction kicks in and she leaves. My son can also make me feel real and I that we both have a connection because of his mother. To be loved means to be a real person.
So, what exactly is love? Acceptance is a large part of love. Acceptance that says that you matter just because you are you. Noticing things about someone feels with out having to be told. Most people I know don't mean it when they ask me "How are you?" I no longer ask that unless I want to know. I have one friend, name Caren, that calls me just to chat with me. I don't have to do anything and it makes me feel cared for. Even though she is calling to talk and does most of it :) I know that she is checking up on me. I have a few friends that I can just call and talk to without needing answers.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Defend against...
Reading from Al-anon's "Courage to Change," June 3 it talks about how a practicing alcoholic (addict) will create diversions by accusing or provoking. Later it says "unfortunately, what we defend against we make real." That is referring to arguments and admitting that we are powerless to defend ourselves and that is why we need a Power Greater than ourselves.
What I have noticed over the last few weeks since I have gotten home from England is that I seem to be the one that is creating the diversions. Accusing her of not caring enough to keep her word to me. Vicki, is a practicing addict, whom has no power within herself to not use and I know that because I am a recovering addict. So, I have come to the conclusion that I am using this accusation to defend against being rejected. Which in the past has got me exactly what I have been trying to prevent.
I know my sponsor and recovery friends would say that it would be better for me to get out of the relationship. However, I don't see what that is going to do to help me in my life and recovery. That appears to be shifting the blame. So, if I am trying to defend myself from rejection why and how do I change it? Why may not really be the correct question but more what is it that is causing to react this way? Vicki not keeping her word is a symptom of the real issue. I noticed that I provoke when she gets calls, texts or is out running around with mates, without giving her a chance.
Then that would most likely imply that I am anticipating it. So, if I am anticipating it, then that might suggested that I don't feel worthy of love or a good relationship. The reasoning behind that is that I seem to have this pattern in most of my relationships in life. Provoking does two things for me: 1. blames the other person (victimization) and 2. with family it is like an excuse to rebel. Doesn't seem like much difference in the two.
In my relationship with Vicki and everyone besides family it is victimization because they didn't came with my birth. She choose to be my girlfriend and they choose to be friends with me. If they choose to be in a relationship with me how could they treat me like this. Didn't they already know that I wasn't worthy of them. It's not like I tricked them because I know that I am no different. If there is something that has come up that has made me different shouldn't they talk to me about it? Am I that debased that I am not worth the time to help correct the issue.
With family it is a different type of issue. Rebellion for me is a way to show that I am worth something more than what I have been getting. My family shows me rejection in a different way than friends do. They either show it by telling me I don't know what's best or just don't pay much attention to me. So, by choosing to do things they don't agree with I provoke a reaction or hopeful a reaction, which would be better. Provoking them is a way to show them that I do exist. I'm more than just a piece of furniture or something. That I have the right to do things that I want and not just what they want. My opinion of my life is just as valid if not more than theirs since it is my life.
With Vicki I am trying to show her that I am more important than drugs. I am hoping to stock her in giving up drugs. It's difficult because I know she loves me and my love relationship with her is what love is about, sharing the benefits of a wonderful life. Knowing that she is an addict helps some but at times I just hurt so bad that I react. There is no good excuse for treating someone the way I treat her. I know that her disease has got her and that she is trying to change and have seen some. I still have to take responsibility for the way I treat her but figuring out how to do so without giving her permission to keep treating me the way she does. I stay with her because I know that I love her and that she does make me feel good.
I know that leaving her now would fix me. She's not the problem, it is in me. It is my issue not hers so I have to make sure that I am staying her because I love her and not to fix her. I have learned much about Christ's love for me by staying with her. One of the reasons I stay with her is because I believe she needs someone to believe in her. Believing in her doesn't fix her but it allows her know that she is worth something to me. I know that I wished for that before I got clean. Having someone treat me as worth something means I am alive. I think that is normal for human being. Having someone believe in us gives us hope that life is woth living and not just existing.
What I have noticed over the last few weeks since I have gotten home from England is that I seem to be the one that is creating the diversions. Accusing her of not caring enough to keep her word to me. Vicki, is a practicing addict, whom has no power within herself to not use and I know that because I am a recovering addict. So, I have come to the conclusion that I am using this accusation to defend against being rejected. Which in the past has got me exactly what I have been trying to prevent.
I know my sponsor and recovery friends would say that it would be better for me to get out of the relationship. However, I don't see what that is going to do to help me in my life and recovery. That appears to be shifting the blame. So, if I am trying to defend myself from rejection why and how do I change it? Why may not really be the correct question but more what is it that is causing to react this way? Vicki not keeping her word is a symptom of the real issue. I noticed that I provoke when she gets calls, texts or is out running around with mates, without giving her a chance.
Then that would most likely imply that I am anticipating it. So, if I am anticipating it, then that might suggested that I don't feel worthy of love or a good relationship. The reasoning behind that is that I seem to have this pattern in most of my relationships in life. Provoking does two things for me: 1. blames the other person (victimization) and 2. with family it is like an excuse to rebel. Doesn't seem like much difference in the two.
In my relationship with Vicki and everyone besides family it is victimization because they didn't came with my birth. She choose to be my girlfriend and they choose to be friends with me. If they choose to be in a relationship with me how could they treat me like this. Didn't they already know that I wasn't worthy of them. It's not like I tricked them because I know that I am no different. If there is something that has come up that has made me different shouldn't they talk to me about it? Am I that debased that I am not worth the time to help correct the issue.
With family it is a different type of issue. Rebellion for me is a way to show that I am worth something more than what I have been getting. My family shows me rejection in a different way than friends do. They either show it by telling me I don't know what's best or just don't pay much attention to me. So, by choosing to do things they don't agree with I provoke a reaction or hopeful a reaction, which would be better. Provoking them is a way to show them that I do exist. I'm more than just a piece of furniture or something. That I have the right to do things that I want and not just what they want. My opinion of my life is just as valid if not more than theirs since it is my life.
With Vicki I am trying to show her that I am more important than drugs. I am hoping to stock her in giving up drugs. It's difficult because I know she loves me and my love relationship with her is what love is about, sharing the benefits of a wonderful life. Knowing that she is an addict helps some but at times I just hurt so bad that I react. There is no good excuse for treating someone the way I treat her. I know that her disease has got her and that she is trying to change and have seen some. I still have to take responsibility for the way I treat her but figuring out how to do so without giving her permission to keep treating me the way she does. I stay with her because I know that I love her and that she does make me feel good.
I know that leaving her now would fix me. She's not the problem, it is in me. It is my issue not hers so I have to make sure that I am staying her because I love her and not to fix her. I have learned much about Christ's love for me by staying with her. One of the reasons I stay with her is because I believe she needs someone to believe in her. Believing in her doesn't fix her but it allows her know that she is worth something to me. I know that I wished for that before I got clean. Having someone treat me as worth something means I am alive. I think that is normal for human being. Having someone believe in us gives us hope that life is woth living and not just existing.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Provoked to anger
I have been going to Al-anon for about a year now. I have learned a lot about myself from being in a relationship with an using addict and am grateful for Al-anon and NA.
Yesterday's reading was about learning how I allow myself to be drawn in arguments to keep from facing my past. The Book "Courage to Change" points out that what we defend against we make real. So, with the second point first that the more that I argue about her using the worse I make it. By arguing about it I get stuck on what she is doing wrong and not noticing the little differences but I have been doing better. It took almost three break-ups to do it.
I have been trying to get into the past that is stuck in repression in my mind. I have very little memories before the 1977, then they get little better. In 1980, memories start becoming more connected so there is a chronological order and things get really connected when I got clean at 21.
There is something about the year of 1977; maybe, it was that I was full of hope because leaving Mom and Jim and going to Dad and Debbie. Which wasn't that much different except of being gone all the time, they never left and I wasn't allowed to do anything either. I wish I was about 10 or 20 years older because that music seems to fit me better. Where's the switch that allows you to open up the gates to a place in time.
Yesterday's reading was about learning how I allow myself to be drawn in arguments to keep from facing my past. The Book "Courage to Change" points out that what we defend against we make real. So, with the second point first that the more that I argue about her using the worse I make it. By arguing about it I get stuck on what she is doing wrong and not noticing the little differences but I have been doing better. It took almost three break-ups to do it.
I have been trying to get into the past that is stuck in repression in my mind. I have very little memories before the 1977, then they get little better. In 1980, memories start becoming more connected so there is a chronological order and things get really connected when I got clean at 21.
There is something about the year of 1977; maybe, it was that I was full of hope because leaving Mom and Jim and going to Dad and Debbie. Which wasn't that much different except of being gone all the time, they never left and I wasn't allowed to do anything either. I wish I was about 10 or 20 years older because that music seems to fit me better. Where's the switch that allows you to open up the gates to a place in time.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Just Blah
Warning this is probably just ranting, only comment if I know you well.
The last couple a weeks I have been trying to figure out what to blog. I went to England and spent 13 days with my girlfriend, which a great visit. The worst part of have a great experience is that usually right around the corner there is something to quickly to knock you off the top of that mountain. Part of the problem is a recovering addict and she's a using addict. I hate hearing people's opinions and the hurt that comes from using. Relationships are fucking hard enough without drugs being involved. I even walked into it knowing she was using but I had and have hope that one day. It's terrible when you love someone so much and no there is nothing that you can do fix them or even try to help them. I hate knowing that she may never get clean.
Sometimes I wish I was Jesus and I could see what the best course of action was for everyone. I have gotten to the point that when I pray that I ask Him for what's best for His plans. I still tell Him what I want because I believe that is what He wants but I know that I am a piece of the whole puzzle. I don't understand why things happen the way they do and I am humble enough to know that if I did I would be God. I also believe that He isn't a punishing God but a loving Father that allows us to experience the results of our and others actions. I don't believe that all the bad things that happen in my life are my own fault. I used to believe that before I got clean and it almost killed me.
Whom am I to decide that Christ should always do things to benefit me, what about everyone else? Who is the most important person in the world that He should only let one person benefit? I believe that learning what His will is for me and then rest of the world will benefit also.
Then that brings me back to my relationship, how do I decide what best for me and what's best for us? I have heard Jesus tell me that some of the things I do to show my love to Vicki is in a small way how He loves me. Again, I am not Him and don't what the future holds. I hear people's opinions and it's like they think they know what's best for us or me.
The last couple a weeks I have been trying to figure out what to blog. I went to England and spent 13 days with my girlfriend, which a great visit. The worst part of have a great experience is that usually right around the corner there is something to quickly to knock you off the top of that mountain. Part of the problem is a recovering addict and she's a using addict. I hate hearing people's opinions and the hurt that comes from using. Relationships are fucking hard enough without drugs being involved. I even walked into it knowing she was using but I had and have hope that one day. It's terrible when you love someone so much and no there is nothing that you can do fix them or even try to help them. I hate knowing that she may never get clean.
Sometimes I wish I was Jesus and I could see what the best course of action was for everyone. I have gotten to the point that when I pray that I ask Him for what's best for His plans. I still tell Him what I want because I believe that is what He wants but I know that I am a piece of the whole puzzle. I don't understand why things happen the way they do and I am humble enough to know that if I did I would be God. I also believe that He isn't a punishing God but a loving Father that allows us to experience the results of our and others actions. I don't believe that all the bad things that happen in my life are my own fault. I used to believe that before I got clean and it almost killed me.
Whom am I to decide that Christ should always do things to benefit me, what about everyone else? Who is the most important person in the world that He should only let one person benefit? I believe that learning what His will is for me and then rest of the world will benefit also.
Then that brings me back to my relationship, how do I decide what best for me and what's best for us? I have heard Jesus tell me that some of the things I do to show my love to Vicki is in a small way how He loves me. Again, I am not Him and don't what the future holds. I hear people's opinions and it's like they think they know what's best for us or me.
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