Crying

I was listening to this song and missing Vicki plus afraid of what she is doing or more like whom. I was thinking how she feels like she isn't getting anywhere and does things to please others over there. I look at myself and I know that I'm no where near where I thought I be but not sure where I was going.

The part of love that I hate is caring for someone and not being able to do shit to help them become the person they tell you about and whom you know they can be. People say you can't help someone if they don't want help and you aren't healed. Problem with the later is that how do you know you well enough to help if you don't try. The first one I understand but you can offer can't you?

I am still learning how to detach with love. It sounds so easy but it's simple and that doesn't mean easy, fuck!!! To detach with love about drugs and mates then now her fucking someone else 3 times and is her guitar teacher. I don't know if I can agree to let her go there again after today. My head is to fucked up thinking what are they doing and I know that she is hurt because of situation but it's her fault. It wouldn't of happened if she listened to me and told him about me in the first place.

One hell of a week

I talked with Vicki on Thursday and she confirmed my fears that she had sex with her guitar teacher. We talked for most of the day and sleep together, we had sex sometime on Thursday. Then Saturday I broke it off again because I knew that if she went to guitar she'd fuck him again. She lied to me again and said they didn't so we talked and sleep together but I did even try to get sex. Then this morning I woke up and knew something was wrong and she told me she lied. I broke it off with her again and cried when I got to church because I missed her and all the promises of a life together. Then we talked for a hour or so a little while ago and I said she needs to decide what she wants. We talked about that for her she can't really say no to anyone over there. I told her that I wanted sex hoping she just say no and she didn't but I said I couldn't because I didn't feel that it would be right.  I told when I hung up that if she was going to guitar on Saturday to text me so I could let the hope in me die.

One thing I have told Vicki over and over again is that I respect her that is most important to me. I respect myself enough to know that I could talk with her any longer tonight and feel good about it. I powerless over the fact that she lied and she doesn't really know what she wants but I not powerless over taking care of myself. Yesterday I prayed alot and felt Jesus nudge me to goto a Noon meeting and I was glad I went. Vinnie from Victoria was there and we had a nice talk after the meeting and he ask me what mistakes I had made in the relationship and I can't think of any. I almost feel bad saying that but then again I glad because there is none. 

I am reminded that not all my suffering is because of my own choices. Everybody has the freedom of will so we all have the possibilities to harm someone. I hurt most from just missing her than anything else. It's wired because I think there should be more anger than what I have about her having sex with someone else but I have been warning her that she was putting herself in places for to happen. What I am most scared of today is that she is making so she can commit suicide without much problem. 

During all my prayers I have heard Jesus say don't give up hope. That doesn't seem to fit with anything I know; however, He is the Higher Power and so whom I to argue. It's too easy to give up hope. Dear Lord, please give me a sign that says what is going to happen. No matter what I won't give hope on Him.

Day 3 of not talking with Vicki

Called Vicki because I knew that either she was out or on her way out, to have her call me tomorrow. I miss her so much and know that I just need to plan more time away from her no matter what she is or isn't doing. I don't know if I know for sure why I have spent so much time with her. There has been a feeling of importance that seems to go with it; however, now it not so pleasant.

I know that I have gain things from being her boyfriend that she couldn't of given even if she knew how. Today I know what some emotions really feel like without having to guess. As crazy as it sounds this relationship has shown me how to care more for myself than all the others in my life besides my relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to better myself for her because she desires and I that I get something great also.

What happens if when I get to England and meet her face2face and things don't work out for to be together? Well, there are so many possibilities that best I can do is to plan for this best and have idea of what I will do if not. Focusing on the ideal that we might be together once I have gotten there won't help at all and more like do more damage. I have learn in NA that if I focus more on relapse then recovery more than likely I will relapse.

In the long run, I hope that we are both better for having to been together no matter what happens. If that is my main goal then I really am loving her. Love to me looks to better the other person and one self.

Day 2 of not talking with Vicki

I feeling withdraw from not talking to Vicki today. I want to see if she is ok but know that if I ask that I won't stop talking to her. I am kind of pissed off thinking that she is probably getting wrecked everyday. I know that we love each other but her active addiction is a big fucking wrench is the works of our relationship. I feel that right now that I lose no matter what I do. I am fucking pissed off because there is no way to feel good. I know that if I was drinking and using that all I do is just put something over the feelings without doing anything about them.

I want to know that what I am doing is the right thing. Why aren't we allowed answers that say that what we are doing is right or wrong? I want to know that me not talking with Vicki is fucking up her using but she probably using as a reason to get more fucked up.

This time apart is suppose to help me figure out what I want. Maybe, it is more about what I need and not what I want. Have I lost myself in this relationship? Have I forgotten to take enough time for myself? Have I got caught up into trying to rescue or save her?

I guess one of the scary points for both of us is that within the month I will be in England. I am planning on staying there a month. What makes it scary is that we will be together in a physical way and there are many things about is scary. She is scared partly in thinking that I may only want to have sex the whole time and for me it is will she stay clean while I am there? I am sure that the idea of being physically together just scary.

Taking time for Jesus

Things in my relationship with Vicki have kind of stalled. I have decided to take a week off to focus on what Christ wants for us and most importantly me. She has things she needs to think about; however, I acknowledge that we spend so much time together that we can do what we need. I know that I have probably gotten caught up in trying to fix the relationship instead of trust Him to heal it. I am grateful to know that He can if I will let Him.
This time doesn't mean that I love her any less, quite the opposite. Love is scary enough when it is people that are clean but she not clean so for her there is alot to consider. To be honest, I am thinking what if she doesn't get clean could I stand being with her. Jesus has a plan for this relationship and I am not Him so I don't what it is. I know that Jesus will help me find my proper place if I let Him.
Today is one of those days where trust and obey are glaring me in the face and I am angry because of it. I know that I need this week with Jesus Christ but I am not totally glad, wow, it crazy to think that He says I can say that without worry. Christ is telling me that my relationship with Vicki has helped me grow emotionally more than any other relationship in all my life. He says that people think that meeting their soulmate is to mean there is no major issues to work through. A real soulmate will do more to shape us into what Jesus saw us to be when He created us.
A soulmate if one is willing will do more to help with Step 2 than anything else. One thing that I just noticed in my own thoughts is that I want to be allowed to be a kid. I want to be able to go back and have the childhood that I missed out on. I was never really allowed to do much to get into trouble. I would like to be able to do the stupid fun things most kids seem to be able do. The good thing is that I really don't want to get stuck there.