Real

I want to feel real. What does real feel like. Mercy says that I won't want what she has but at least it sounds like there's reality in it. I have no reality just emptiness. It's like outside my body there is nothing but gray and inside is a black-hole.

Maybe that's what I werewolf, vampire or a ghost might feel like. Being in the world but not part of it. If you reach out to touch something or someone you pass right through or destroy it. Is it possible for me to be part of the real world?

Talk with my counselor today and was able to put some kind of time line on when I moved in with Dad and Deb. Seems like the years from 1976-1980 are important to me making some kind of progress. I called my sponsor tonight and told him about it and about why I seem to be almost unable to write. At this time, this only writing I have been able to do. Plus, I can barely read anything at this time too. Might have something to do with how Dad and Deb reacted to something I wrote when Micheal Karl try to kill himself when I was about 14. I was told I was allow to feel like what I wrote so I guess I gave up on feeling at all.

WTF

I still feel like I am not really heard. When my girlfriend tells me she is going out drinking it's like she expects me to say great have a great time, not! Then I have a girl friend that doesn't believe in God and got upset with 12 Step Programs for seemingly telling her she had to get on board. So, when I talked about or rant about my God she tells there no God so get on board, WTF! I tell my family that I don't want to go and down something and they say come it will be fun, like you going rather you want to or not. I go Al-anon and they say that it not their place to tell someone what to do with their alcoholic but they seem to think ok to tell to leave my girlfriend.

I understand that some of it is just the way I feel but WTF! Does maturity make that feeling lessen? How does detachment work without having leave the relationship? I know that Vicki, my girlfriend, very is in love with and cares for me, just wish that weakened the pain. I know that Mercy and Crew is a great friend and the only person that I know of that has been willing to work through painful things in our friendship.

However, I really love Vicki and I never wanted to lose her. I have told her that there is only two reasons that we wouldn't make it: she ends it or the pain of her using get too great. I wish I could guarantee but life doesn't allow for that. Feelings are so fucking crazy and like right I don't like them.  

Betrayal

I feel very betrayed by my girlfriend. The problem with that is that I knew that she was a practicing addict when I asked to be my girlfriend. I feel betrayed by God because He doesn't seem to care if I have anything nice. As soon as I get something nice it is ruined by something. Why can't I have nice things or time?

Surely, God there is a reason and You are allowed to tell me. I have no fucking memories of my childhood, almost nothing since. What the fuck am I living for? I don't see that I do anyone or anything any good. I tired of fucking living, if the only reason I am alive to give everyone someone to bitch at then I ready to die. 


Maybe the best thing for me to do is to sign everything over to my mom and then fucking kill myself. Nobody really gives a fuck about me. Maybe it would better to just off myself and not fucking care what happens afterwards. Why should I care what happens then since no really cares what happens to me.

Blogging

I don't know what I am feeling just feeling strange. For one thing, I am writer without being able to write. I seem to feel out of place. Maybe, it is because it is Wednesday and Vicki didn't go out drinking and doing coke. You think I would be feel good about that. Could I be scared that something worse is coming?

Feel bad

Today I don't feel good. I feel that it is a kind of resentment or bitterness. For the fact that I can't get Vicki clean. I wish God would allow me to fix her. I hate not being able to say anything that makes a difference. I don't want to be her higher power but I would like to have the power get her clean. 

I wish I had the power to give her a vision of what life would be like if she was clean. However, I don't have that power. There is nothing I can say that will give her any ideal how much better life can be. She doesn't even see that her life is in danger as long as she is using. 

I am scared for our relationship. I want to believe that I could be there for her no matter what. I know that it will more difficult once we are together if she is still using. I have told her that I will not risk my recovery or life if she keeps using when we are together. 

I hate it when I over-react when one of her mates calls her, even if she doesn't go out. It seems to be get worse, maybe it's the holidays. Plus, knowing that it is getting closer to the time when I can go see her. See that she doesn't seem to be trying to quit so that when I get there we can spend alot of time together. I feel very unimportant to her and even though I understand the disease doesn't help. 

It also pisses me off knowing that everyone is against us. At least, it feels that everyone is. I want the happy feelings back. I still need to work on my 8th Step.  

Angry and Sad

Today I am angry and sad because Vicki went out with some mates to a pub. She said she wouldn't be doing any drinking or coke but I heard that before. I know that I can't ask her to give up her mates for me but I would like her too. I scared that she going to die or she is going to decide that it is too difficult to get clean. There is nothing I can really do to make this feeling go away except acknowledge it. 

How do I take the sting out of it? How do I love her and let her make her own mistakes? I know that she isn't doing it to hurt me but it doesn't make it hurt less. Acknowledge the painful situation is suppose to take away the pain, right? 

I am angry because she doesn't seem to trust me. I hate feeling trustworthy and being told that I am but being treated the opposite. I am angry because she's not as open as me. Which makes me realized that I pissed at the world because there doesn't seem to be anyone that wants my openness. I am told how great it is that I am so open but I have learn that others can't. What's so fucking hard about being open, you just do it! It's not that hard to be open. I'm not afraid of what others are going to do with it because they will more than likely do it anyway. 

I am sad because I want so much good for her and I. Sad because no matter what I do or say it won't matter because the drugs are stronger. I hate that my love isn't enough!!! I want to be her knight in shining armor but I want to be her lover too. However, knights can't save damsels in distress if they don't let them. I am sad because I really love her and I don't want to rescue her. It's not like with Cherie, whom I did just want to rescue.    

Powerlessness

I think powerlessness in a relationship is much worse than the powerlessness I feel over drugs. At least, with drugs, SI and cutting I can see it and do something about it. Being powerless over someone I love and care about are hell. I can see when I am trying to control them like I can with those other things. It's a painful reminder of how inadequate I am. Where my love isn't enough to help someone else that I truly care for. I know I get more angry at myself because I know that it is true but I still expect the other person to honor me by not doing or doing what I ask. 

I guess the reservation that goes with that is that since they can see and hear me they would honor me at least as much if not more than Jesus or God, Whom they can't. I want to be worthy enough for people to show me that I do matter. There is too much time in my life where it seems that I'm not even noticed. Like a road that got built to somewhere but went no where so people quickly abandon me. 

I feel uselessness again. It like I am given a small reprieve from it so that when it comes back it is worse than before. It's like I am useful as a rock to push oneself up but not worth remembering after that. It's more like it is useless for me to reach out to make friends or form loving relationships because I seem to have nothing anybody really seems to need. I ready to just give up. 

Maybe, people are drawn to me because I am like a vacuum and my powerlessness is used to clean some of their pain so they can go on living. Like I am a blackhole, the cosmic flair draws and then sucks away the trash. I get nothing out of the relationship because like a blackhole what is drawn to is lost into some unknown place. It's great for the other person because they lose the trash but I don't get anything out of it, the trash disappears and the person flee when they realize I am a blackhole. 

I have some gratitude because I know I have a relationship with Jesus and that He does comfort me. If He didn't comfort me I would of be sucked into my own blackhole years ago. I know on the other side of death Jesus will reveal all the good I did here so I am able to go on. There are times though it would be nice to go for quite a while and be able to see what worth I am. Is it wrong to want to feel worth here and now?