1. To truly understand what is to be a friend.
2. To know what love is.
3. To know the difference between love and sexual desire.
4. To feel loved and to love others.
5. To remember my past.
6. To know the difference between rescuing and helping.
7. To understand when I am obsessing about someone.
8. To know feelings and thoughts, the difference there of.
9. To be ok with myself and need to feel someone cares for or not.
10. To if I'm being used or not.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Noticed something
This one Mercy isn't allowed to read! :))
I think a few months ago when Jason was acting few I had an emotional lapse of who I was with Mercy. Maybe some wish for thinking kicked in, like I could rescue her or something. I know that there were some times of jealousy but not any real thoughts of anything between us. I got real nervous that he might leave her and she might end up back in the sex industry. I think I kicked into the rescuer mood but wasn't sure what to do about Jason. Never, been this close to a woman, whether she was with someone or not.
I don't think I was trying to break them as far as I know. I remember think what happens if he leave her? There is really much I can do. Would I jump at the chance for that kind of relationship her, probably yes. But, I'm happy for her being with J. I would like a relationship kind of like their but I would hope I could be more understanding if the woman was freaked out about the past. Mercy is helping me grow into the man I want to be for a woman and I am sorry that is painful for her. I know she thinks I really fucked up and should be in a straitjacket. :)) lmao
Hard to convinces that I'm not after sex. Feels funny when I try to get know her outside of the things we used to talk about and seems like it not ok for me to know at it. It feels like to me that it is ok for me to talk to her about childhood abuse and sex industry stuff. :( I ok with that but I wish I knew that so I don't feel so rejected by her. I feel like a woman ask a guy about himself and him saying it's nothing. Every woman I know says that hate that and I can understand why.
In away I feel like a whore. I ask her if she want to talk about stuff and she not really but I need to. That was how are relationship was up to month or so ago. I would just things to and sometimes we talk about during it but it was to help not for me. I guess when I said I was feeling a little different it sound like I want more in the relationship than I did. Again it was one of those time when I should of keep my mouth or fingers quiet but it felt wrong to me not to say anything. I hope that she will patient enough with me to work through it.
I think a few months ago when Jason was acting few I had an emotional lapse of who I was with Mercy. Maybe some wish for thinking kicked in, like I could rescue her or something. I know that there were some times of jealousy but not any real thoughts of anything between us. I got real nervous that he might leave her and she might end up back in the sex industry. I think I kicked into the rescuer mood but wasn't sure what to do about Jason. Never, been this close to a woman, whether she was with someone or not.
I don't think I was trying to break them as far as I know. I remember think what happens if he leave her? There is really much I can do. Would I jump at the chance for that kind of relationship her, probably yes. But, I'm happy for her being with J. I would like a relationship kind of like their but I would hope I could be more understanding if the woman was freaked out about the past. Mercy is helping me grow into the man I want to be for a woman and I am sorry that is painful for her. I know she thinks I really fucked up and should be in a straitjacket. :)) lmao
Hard to convinces that I'm not after sex. Feels funny when I try to get know her outside of the things we used to talk about and seems like it not ok for me to know at it. It feels like to me that it is ok for me to talk to her about childhood abuse and sex industry stuff. :( I ok with that but I wish I knew that so I don't feel so rejected by her. I feel like a woman ask a guy about himself and him saying it's nothing. Every woman I know says that hate that and I can understand why.
In away I feel like a whore. I ask her if she want to talk about stuff and she not really but I need to. That was how are relationship was up to month or so ago. I would just things to and sometimes we talk about during it but it was to help not for me. I guess when I said I was feeling a little different it sound like I want more in the relationship than I did. Again it was one of those time when I should of keep my mouth or fingers quiet but it felt wrong to me not to say anything. I hope that she will patient enough with me to work through it.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Rejectability
Feeling reject able today. Not sure what it from but just seem to be in one of those times were seems like everything I do and say gets people upset. Been crying off and on since Earth Group noon meeting today made myself go right afterward to counseling center to set up an appointment for next week. Scared to keep putting it off.
Tired of feeling like everyone's favorite maritine. I tired of feeling like a child and not understanding what is appropriate. I don't have a one track mind it just seems that way. It seems like the women I don't want to talk about anything so I start asking silly questions that seems to some how to end up on sex. If they don't want to talk maybe they need to say so or talk about other things in their life.
Tired of feeling like everyone's favorite maritine. I tired of feeling like a child and not understanding what is appropriate. I don't have a one track mind it just seems that way. It seems like the women I don't want to talk about anything so I start asking silly questions that seems to some how to end up on sex. If they don't want to talk maybe they need to say so or talk about other things in their life.
Messed up game
Not sure how to title this one. To a degree I feel used and thrown away. I don't even know how to write about it. I always to tried ask if it was ok talk about things and got doesn't matter or something was like ask again later. Now I what I heard is you should of known better, you old enough to of known better. Maybe, I did know that I should of stopped talking to her everyday after she started working with a sponsor.
I forgot everyone seems to think I have something special because I have been clean for a long time. I have been involved in church for most of my life. I was married and have a kid. I worked through the Steps a few times. I was young when I got clean and now I'm in my early 40's. What does it mean that it's not appropriate for a man my age to be talking to a woman of 20 about sex. Virgin or non, what difference does it make. Do they have to get hurt by someone their own age for to maybe talk to me. Does it make me a predator because I'm talking to women that age about sex. I can remember a couple of years ago woman in her 20's tell it was gross to think about going out with a man my age and then less than 6 months later she dating a man older than me, by a few years, and had his baby.
What is wrong with me? Why can I seem to be ok to talk to and help them get through, then boom? It's like it is ok to be friends with me as long as I helping them kind of like a female friend but I need them help as friend it like sorry that asking to much.
All I was a couple months ago the relationship changed from being what seemed friends with trust to now it is game. I know I text something that seemed small to me to her sponsor but doesn't mean that she needs to mean to me. Just feel like she is playing with my head now. She tells me about this new woman she's got a crush and says she get obsessed like there is something more. What the fuck, we talk about obsessing as being and needs to be talked about and she asks all offended when I ask her what she means. She tells me the first time she think of 13 Stepping her, like what that going to make me think. I asked her about the obsession to see if was just a sexual thing or if she just want to know more about her past. Man the queen bee was mad. Maybe I ask to many questions or something but oh well.
I forgot everyone seems to think I have something special because I have been clean for a long time. I have been involved in church for most of my life. I was married and have a kid. I worked through the Steps a few times. I was young when I got clean and now I'm in my early 40's. What does it mean that it's not appropriate for a man my age to be talking to a woman of 20 about sex. Virgin or non, what difference does it make. Do they have to get hurt by someone their own age for to maybe talk to me. Does it make me a predator because I'm talking to women that age about sex. I can remember a couple of years ago woman in her 20's tell it was gross to think about going out with a man my age and then less than 6 months later she dating a man older than me, by a few years, and had his baby.
What is wrong with me? Why can I seem to be ok to talk to and help them get through, then boom? It's like it is ok to be friends with me as long as I helping them kind of like a female friend but I need them help as friend it like sorry that asking to much.
All I was a couple months ago the relationship changed from being what seemed friends with trust to now it is game. I know I text something that seemed small to me to her sponsor but doesn't mean that she needs to mean to me. Just feel like she is playing with my head now. She tells me about this new woman she's got a crush and says she get obsessed like there is something more. What the fuck, we talk about obsessing as being and needs to be talked about and she asks all offended when I ask her what she means. She tells me the first time she think of 13 Stepping her, like what that going to make me think. I asked her about the obsession to see if was just a sexual thing or if she just want to know more about her past. Man the queen bee was mad. Maybe I ask to many questions or something but oh well.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tormented
The last couple of nights Jesus has been asking if He can lead me into the past as I drift off to sleep. I say yes but mind says no. Last night I heard myself as a child crying out NO. Tonight had thoughts trying to have sex with someone, having internet sex with someone or help 3 women with their sexual abuse issues. Today took a nap and same thing happened but don't remember much about it. Each time I have had a hypokalemic attack and one of my wrists hurt like it was tied or someone was hold it very tightly.
Last night I did see the house in Jenks but had to force it to look right. I saw a shower, the kind that is a bathtub with a curtain all the way around it. It looked and sound like a woman was in there taking a shower. Not sure who it was but makes me wonder more about my mom and how much see knew about the soap-on-a-rope deal. Kind of like the thing with my step-mom being forced to watch me get swaps with my pants down.
I'm perplexed and stupefied by this. I confident that by letting Him will give me freedom to change and grow into the person meant to be. Why is that I can't let go and follow Jesus into the deep hidden areas of my past? What is there? Am I afraid of losing contact with Him? Maybe, I am afraid that if I remember I will be like my brother and become a homosexual, I do not want to be. I enjoy everything about a woman in sex and just being with them. Am I scared that I will be unforgiving or take the blame for it like most abused people.
I am confident also that it will allow me to be more loving and more comfortable with women. It's tragic that I not able to do this. I trust Jesus to lead me there and back. The past dominates me even though I can't remember it. Maybe, I afraid that I will become a cry baby and whine about it with others to get sympathy. It's kind of tormenting me.
Please just force me Lord
Last night I did see the house in Jenks but had to force it to look right. I saw a shower, the kind that is a bathtub with a curtain all the way around it. It looked and sound like a woman was in there taking a shower. Not sure who it was but makes me wonder more about my mom and how much see knew about the soap-on-a-rope deal. Kind of like the thing with my step-mom being forced to watch me get swaps with my pants down.
I'm perplexed and stupefied by this. I confident that by letting Him will give me freedom to change and grow into the person meant to be. Why is that I can't let go and follow Jesus into the deep hidden areas of my past? What is there? Am I afraid of losing contact with Him? Maybe, I am afraid that if I remember I will be like my brother and become a homosexual, I do not want to be. I enjoy everything about a woman in sex and just being with them. Am I scared that I will be unforgiving or take the blame for it like most abused people.
I am confident also that it will allow me to be more loving and more comfortable with women. It's tragic that I not able to do this. I trust Jesus to lead me there and back. The past dominates me even though I can't remember it. Maybe, I afraid that I will become a cry baby and whine about it with others to get sympathy. It's kind of tormenting me.
Please just force me Lord
Monday, October 19, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Rain Day
It has rained on and off all day. I have cried twice for no appearant reason. It is as if there is some kind of fear in me. I feel more afraid of this there was something going to happen or happened once in a storm. I can only remember one time every having to go to the wash house because of a tornado warning. There were many times that the lights were knocked out but don't remember anything happening then.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Freedom
This was not a good feeling seeking for freedom. Yesterday I asked a good woman friend if I could see her naked, online friend. I knew it was wrong to ask and even said it to her. I understand why she got upset. It was like had to had to ask to see if I could. I had the fear that I should but it was like I was trying to tell myself that by asking I was a real man.
I want to be free and know what I can do but I don't want to hurt someone like that again. How do a guy get the freedom to be himself with a woman? How do I get to know a woman in person like I know this woman online?
I want to be free and know what I can do but I don't want to hurt someone like that again. How do a guy get the freedom to be himself with a woman? How do I get to know a woman in person like I know this woman online?
A double bad
I had an experience with a cousin that is about 5 or 6 years younger than me. I was messing around her in sexual way off and on about a year around the age of 12. One day we were playing a playing a game of Monopoly and she took one of my hotels and run off to the couch and put it between her legs. I went to get and then we started kissing for some reason and I pulled her pants down. I think my pants were down too. Her brother caught us and told our parents. My step-mom accused me of trying to raise her to be my whore.
It felt like she wanted me to. Over the year I knew that it was wrong but wanted to play and see if I could get her off like in the magazines I had read. She was willing and I did some at the lake. But the last when caught we had done again in a long and felt like she was leading me on. I felt like it was time to do something different. I don't think that I had ever had my pants down before and she had never really seen me. I want to see what it would like to be touch by her and maybe see if I could get in.
I felt betrayed by my family. Felt like they were trying to make me someone bad. Like I was the only bad person in the family. I understand I knew better but it still like they could of talked me nicer. As far as I know they never talked to her and did want to her what happened. I understand that is was wrong but what about her and what they said to me.
It felt like she wanted me to. Over the year I knew that it was wrong but wanted to play and see if I could get her off like in the magazines I had read. She was willing and I did some at the lake. But the last when caught we had done again in a long and felt like she was leading me on. I felt like it was time to do something different. I don't think that I had ever had my pants down before and she had never really seen me. I want to see what it would like to be touch by her and maybe see if I could get in.
I felt betrayed by my family. Felt like they were trying to make me someone bad. Like I was the only bad person in the family. I understand I knew better but it still like they could of talked me nicer. As far as I know they never talked to her and did want to her what happened. I understand that is was wrong but what about her and what they said to me.
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