Left With Thoughts

I don't want to be left with my thoughts

They scare me

As if they are nothing

Like I'm not important enough to have any real ones

What do thoughts show you about yourself

Do thoughts make you real

Can they make you into someone

What do you do if you are afraid of them

Does that make me unreal

I feel that that there is nothing real about me

What do I have to do or think to be real

Is there something I have to do

What is it

I want to be a real person

I want to be something that is real

I hear others talk about different kind of abuses

And that seems so real

I don't have anything that makes me real

I feel like I don't have a real life

I feel that people that were abused or abuse other people or things

Are real and I'm not

People get upset with me when I say things like that

But they don't know how that hurts me

It's like telling me that I only a puppet

But worse than Pinocchio

He was lucky enough to have hope for something

I do I get to hope for

There is nothing that seems real enough to hope for

It's like I have been told to hope for something

But then told I can not ever have it

It's like I'm a lie

And all I want is a lie

And all I am allowed is pain

Pain and emptiness is my lot

It's my lot and no one wants to understand

Even when I think someone wants to

They turn around and hurt me more

Telling me I a fool for wanting what they have

But what they have is so much more than what I have

I want something to make me real

Can no one understand that

Why is it so wrong?

Act Your age

I want to know what it means to act your fucking age. I was told a couple of days ago to act my age and like I have nearly 23 years of recovery. I fucking don't know what that means. I'm jealous of all the people that seem to get to act out sexually or pick up on newcomers. I want to be special the way I am but feel like everyone got exceptions of me but if I try one they tell me I can't do it. Why can't I try something different. I feel like everyone wants to keep in some kind of shell or cage.

What am I god. I feel like I'm suppose to be a stick in the mud or the best example of everything good and I don't fucking want it. I want to be human not a god.

song of the day, "Sweet Sacrifice," by Evanscence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1WqmTQMw_k

WOW belong

I went to my first f2f Sex Addict Anonymous (SAA) for me. I felt like I belonged and fit in. I know I belong in NA but I talked to a guy afterward who's story sound somewhat like mine. There 4 guys and 4 women and  I was scared of the women. Partly scared they thought I would try to hit on them and partly afraid they would hit on me. There was only one woman that I would of like to be hit on by and she had 63 days clean from sexual addiction. I wanted to talk to her and her what her addiction was but I knew that I want to be come her new object of obsession. She keep looking at while she talked and I did notice that she looked at me more than others but I believe that was because I was new. Anyway, I will be going back.

I am angry

I am angry because I feel cheated by life. I turned 44 yesterday and have almost 23 years clean and I am jobless, don't have my own place and do feel really connected to anyone. I have done everything I was suppose to do and everything seems to be taken away from me. I worked as much I could and treated my ex like a queen to what be fucked over. We were suppose to be in love for life and when I left she tells me that she had been trying for a year to get me to leave. I want to know that I'm someone that deserves good things but doesn't feel like I get anything real good. Like when I get a good friend I then something happens and they don't want to be around me.

Do I really know

Do I really know how to be a friend. I feel like I get to know someone then I chase them away by being to close or asking wrong questions. I asked someone that I know how they were doing and just wanted to check on them and I felt like I was slammed. It was a person that I talked to daily and for the last few months we haven't hardly talked and I understand that I need to have something to talk to them most of the time but checking on them once in a while sounds like a friend.

I also noticed that my memory is pretty bad now. I was told about things and was told that I had been told them before I don't remember every being told any of the stuff. I remember really very little of what we talked about during the two years or more. I starting to believe that health issues part of this problem. Three years ago I how pretty good memory now it seems to be failing.

My life right now is just kind of at a stand still and don't seem to have much going on in my life. Am I trying to live through others, I don't think so. I think I am still just being a friend.

Distance

I think I am going to try distance and it maybe also that others are doing the same thing. I decided not to go to a recovery site because someone I care for asked me to go there but now it feels that I'm going to go just see that person and not for anyone else.I meet one else there but I don't feel comfortable there anymore. Some day in the future when I can separate my feelings I can go there but not now. I wasn't and have been called a stoker but maybe in a way I am. I think that is creepiness I feel inside. Do I care too much, maybe but I don't what is  called. I trying to get an understanding of my feeling and thoughts which others seem to be able to understand in themselves. I feel like a freak and if I say how I feel I will trying to copy someone else.

How do I love and care without hurting or getting hurt?

Creepy

Mercy says I kind of creepy because of obsession with her. I can't deny it and wish I could. But, I feel the creepiness in me. It not about Mercy it's just that she feels it and can name it better than me. For me it is a feeling of not having anything in myself. Mercy has helped me to see somethings in me that are creepy. Had do I explain that I feel empty inside. She used to talk to me alot and helped feel the space inside me. I'm grateful that I know that isn't her job or anyone else's. I trust that Jesus will feel it and is revealing it to me. I feel like there is suppose to be something there but I don't know what it is. 


I feeling like sex, masturbation, is trying to feel it or block something. Sex thoughts are becoming a way to block the past from coming up. When I try to think of doing anyone sex wants to control my thoughts. It's hard to feel that I have a life of my own and when I talk about things that I really like it sounds like I'm copying others. I know that really do like to write and art and nobody can t tell it not me. I have lost touch with that part me since I was 14 years old but it starting to come back now. Going to go to a writer's club here this Saturday and see what it is. I want to find the real me a person I think has never really had a chance to be out.

Song for the day "Stand In the Rain," by Superchick. Thanks Karin for the idea of the song of the day it is a great idea.