Nothing

Do you know what it feels like to be nothing? I do, it is a horrible feeling. You don't seem to matter to anyone even the ones that say they love you. It is like trees have more meaning than you do. It's more than being invisible, it's not really being.

How do you explaining feeling like not being? Empty space doesn't describe it. For space has a kind of being which I didn't have before. I still don't feel like anything but I do feel like more than nothing.

Respect

I have been feeling that Vicki has been showing me a lot a disrespect this last 7-10 days. Bitching me out in the morning and evening. Asking me what I did and was no big deal then going off on me for doing it. Hate it because that is way I react to it. I have never really felt that anyone gives me much respect and seems that Vicki should give me the most.

So, what kind of respect do I show myself? Do I still feel that I deserve more respect that I deserve? How much respect of my own is based on love and should it be? Is respect and love based on the same thing or work together? Do I believe that Jesus owes me something for all the suffering in my life?

Wow, that last question just hit me!!! Do I really believe that I am owed something by a Man (God) that died for me and rose from the dead to give me life? Part of me believes that because I got clean so young and have been pretty good person I deserve more things, friends, lovers and respect. But, this still makes me think, "How much respect do I give myself?" Do I understand that I have more than I could have imagined when I got clean?

Vicki is so much more than I ever thought I would have for a girlfriend. Her using isn't out of disrespect for me, especially since she was using when we got together. Am I showing her disrespect and I haven't been willing to look at it?

I hate it when someone tells me how important that I am then says "OH, I changed my mind." Doesn't matter whom it is? I have heard all my life. So, then what am I suppose to do lower my expectations, I think not. I understand that it is going to happen sometimes but what I am talking about is on a regular basis.

How do I deal with it, right now I explode on Vicki and be resentful when others do it. Then how do I deal with it?

Memory 1.0

This morning during my shower which I had turned up at the end I remember an experience when I was a kid about 7 with peppers. I know that seems strange but that what happened for me. I remember hating the fact that no one seemed to care what happened to me later on in life. In the last few years have been able to eat spicy food or take very hot showers. It just made me notice that I have always felt that what I said happened to me didn't matter, even when others were there. Mom seems to be the worst one about it.

Feeling 2.0

Noticed today and yesterday that Vicki and I seem to be together almost too much but not really wanting to be apart. It's partly because of her move. I think that to some degree it is normal for a couple to go through so not too worried.

Feeling 1.1

Feeling uneasy which is how I have been waking or shortly after I wake. This of feeling words says that uneasy is under confused. I'm not sure that if I am uneasy about the business, Vicki or just life. Before I started taking the anti-depressants I knew something was wrong but wasn't sure what it was even in the feeling. Today I can say what I feel and kind of what it might be. That means a lot to me even though I don't like the feeling but I do like having an ideal what it is that I am feeling. Having an ideal of what I am feeling makes a huge difference. If you never had the unknown ideal of what you feeling you can't imagine what it does to you. I used to feel that trees meant more to everyone than me and now I feel that I matter.

Feelings 1.0

I decided to try to write my feeling every morning at least and see where that goes.

Uncertain, lost, unsure, dull, lifeless, anxious, restless and  mournful

I slept 6 hours. I read in Living Clean this morning and have the feeling that this is a mourning but I don't know what I am mourning. There seems to be a lost feel with Vicki but I don't know why. She got wrecked last night so it could be that she didn't live up to my fantasy again so is in me. I hate feeling like she disappointed me when she didn't.

So what am I trying not to feel? Despite what Keith said I am in this relationship because of love not denial. The hard part about my life is explaining that is how my life always is, whether a person is involved or not. It's just awareness of something trying to get out or come up. I know that there is fear of knowing what happened in the past, maybe, fear that it wasn't as bad I thought.

Almost like a sadness because I don't have a story like most people. I seem to want to have a bad history so I can prove that I deserve to be loved and liked. What a sad thought that is. Why? Do I want to prove what Christ has done in my life or to be like most people in NA? It could be that I only feel things in an intense way so I want something bad just to feel?

Maybe, just longing to be with Vicki face to face.

Fantasy in Love .01

Living in a fantasy about my relationship is a scary thing. For it leads to waiting for the other person to miss up because they can never live up to the fantasy. The fantasy is great for a while but the pain of reality is too great. It has almost destoryed my relationship with Vicki. She can't figure out what keeps happening and why I hurt her so.

That's a scary thought, that I keep hurting her when I tell her that she is hurting me. Whom the hell do I think I am. I am allowing my past to interfere with my present. I am still afraid that I am going to be betrayed so I am creating the situation for it to happen. Fantasy comes from thinking that I am enough to make someone change even though I deny that is what I am doing. 

Sad

Feeling sad and sure why. Don't know if there needs to be a reason. The song Scarborough Fair is a song that kind of fits, at least, the tune does. It's the kind of sad that doesn't seem to have any purpose at all. However, the good thing is today I know it is sad. I have lived for too long not really understanding what I felt and it is nice to know that is sad.

If you don't understand that is ok most people don't. Most people know what it is like to feel emotions and won't understand being glad to feel sad. But, I have gone most of my life having no idea what it felt like. It's a terrible existions not having emotions. People always telling you that you are wrong. I know that I do it something like that we Vicki so will need to watch out for it.
Scarborough Fair/Canticle

Something revealed

I have noticed that this last weekend that I have wanted sex more than I have in a while, at least more intensely. Some of it maybe because of Vicki moving into her own flat and the other part is her using Friday. I was reading in NA's Basic Text about honesty, willingness and open-mindedness and realized that I have been wanting it to fix the frustration I have been feeling. I know that her moving out of her family's home allows her to make more notice so it is partly just the idea being new again.

Frustration in her using her first night in her flat got to me and I wanted to use it to my advantage to get sex but I didn't. I managed to respect her and not force what I wanted. I know that humans do have the need for sex but I want to make love to her and not fuck her. So, if I am force her to give it to me it isn't making love. Forcing sex is a form of abuse to me and I can't allow myself to go there.

However, there is a lot of frustration in the fact that even though now I have a diagnosis that fits my condition doesn't make it any easier to deal with, most of the time. So, I am sure that I allow the frustration this situation to push me to push for sex. Another part that makes this frustrating is just because I admit to this doesn't make it go away right a way. I want a quick fix for her and me.

Transforming Anger: The HeartMath Solution for Letting Go of Rage, Frustration, and Irritation

Percy Gets Upset: Emotional Skills: Dealing with Frustration (Stuart J. Murphy's I See I Learn)

Fantasy in Love

I was reading "Living Clean" from NA and found something that made a lot  of sense to me. I have been having trouble deciding why Vicki using is resulting in such a violent reaction from me. "Living Clean"  says, "When we love a fantasy, we get angry with reality. Anger at reality is the opposite of acceptance." The fantasy is that Vicki said she wants to be clean and I fantasize that means she is going to do it. Reality is that she can say it and mean it but not do anything about it. My anger does either of us any good.

Reality is that she does love and care me. The fantasy is that if she really loved me then she get clean. However, as a recovering drug addict also I know that the reality is a truth and doesn't change the fact that she is still using. I know that I am important to her but her addiction is stronger than her love. I have hope that she is going to get clean soon. I see that she is starting to feel the reality of using and what it can take from her.

It's not just using drugs but that she gambles when she get wrecked. She just moved into her flat last night and gambled some of her rent money. She is freaking out about and sad thing is that I also told her that if she lies to me again I am going to finish the relationship. I asked her once, maybe more than once, if is was necessary for her to lose everything before she was willing to change. She says again last night and today that last night was enough but we will wait and see.

The fact is now I have to decide how to accept reality, either way.

Love & Other Drugs

New Diagnosis

Well, Tuesday the 2nd I was informed that I have conditions called Conversion and Somatization Disorders which seems to be where you don't feel emotions and when they are ready to surface I get paralyzed. I also believe that I have Depersonalization and Dissociative Disorders. So, I will still need counseling.