Just Friends

I have some friendships that seems to lost in a cloud or in fog. Someone told me they didn't respect my recovery but I don't know ex-actually what that meant. I know that I can't be what everyone expect but would like to know that I can still be friends. I was hurt and still hurt when I think about it. I want to ask that person what they meant but know that it really doesn't matter. I would like to be able to talk to them without worry.

How do you make amends for a something that not sure what happened? Maybe I am asking for help from that person and to see if for now if a living amends would be ok until we know what to do or say. When I think about our friendship it seems like there was a lot of mutual respect for each other. Maybe I was a sympathy friendship. So, maybe I was saw as a lost puppy even though they need help getting into recovery.

I care this person and I want just to be part of their life.

Wanting to post

I want to post but don't how to start. I want to talk about my co-dependence issues but don't want to hurt or hurt others. I hurt because one the persons is avoiding me and I guess to a point I don't blame, it just hurts. I was told that they don't want me to say anything to them unless I have something to say. But, isn't friendship something that doesn't always mean you have anything really say but I just want you to know I care. How does is it impossible to keep a friendship once it has kind of fallen apart. 

I grateful that recently I have been learning that I have to have many things in life to have a life and that relationships have to have many things to talk about to be a real one. I let my relationships get to be about very little. I have asked my girlfriend to start finding things to do in her life so we can talk about things in her life. I have applied for a job online yesterday and have started to volunteer and next week I will start doing it more. Recovery is about getting a life and addiction is about being focus on one thing. I tired of addiction and want more of a life. 

I was trying to help someone with the abuse they had suffered and may or not helped them but I realized last night part of the reason that I focused so much on it was to see if I could trigger memories of mine. It was sick and the secret I was keeping from myself. Wow, maybe now I can learn to have a relationship with someone else!

Women and pain

I don't know but seems like with women I hurt them and don't know how to be a friend or be a boyfriend/lover. I hurt today because my online girlfriend started using 4 days ago again hard with coke. I have for the last 2 days tried to keeps my sexual addiction about abay for her. I feel hurt and betrayed. Part of me know I should not be surprised and Mercy say see I told you. But it doesn't fucking matter, I love her. I can do without sex I know it but it hurts. I want to fix her. I feel betrayed by women. 

My parents fucked me up as kid and know no one really seems to care. I feel betrayed by everyone really. I want people, especially a woman, to close to me no matter what happens. I tired of get close to a woman and then being told to fuck off. Seems like they always tell me I too fucked and I should act normal, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!

Like it was my fucking fault the one women decides to say let's voice so I hear her playing with herself. Ye, part of me wanted it but I didn't need it. I had told her I like it but didn't need her to. She me that I helped her with sex life and then it was like I abused her. I could of asked her more about her life and been a friend and not just a sex therapist in a way. But, seemed like when I did she say there's nothing to tell so that makes the fact that we talk alot about sex my fault. I am sure she will still blame because she was new in recovery and I should of left her alone. But I seem to remember that for months she wasn't talking to anyone else but I sure that doesn't count. No she hurting for what I have read and I don't what I can say because she's not really talking me. Ye, I want to fix her.

Ye, I want my girlfriend to make love to me online but don't have to have it. I trying to be honest with her about my feelings and things I have caught myself doing with others. But, she can get drugs and I can't stop her and I am not a good enough reason not too. I HATE THE FUCKING DISEASE OF ADDICTION IN ALL IT FORMS, EVEN SI. 

What does health mean? Ye, I'm fucking crying what you fucking going to do about. I'm angry at myself for caring too much about Mercy. Hate the way it hurts me and fucking comes up all the time. She thinks it about sex and I have no real clue why I get obsessed about her. I thought it was a friendship, strange one but a friendship. I hate the way she comes up in conversation with my girlfriend. I really want the best for her and her boyfriend. 

Why can't I have a good relationship with my girlfriend. How does my disease make it harder for her? God why the fuck does have to be hard for people to understand You. I want You to tell me that my girlfriend and I are going to be happy together and be health. I want to feel acceptable to people and for some fucking reason to have Mercy say you still like and cares for me. What the fuck that about?? What is it about her?

I want to learn to real show my girlfriend she is most important person to me with my son right there after her. I got 6 more years to get him to be his own person. I want him to grow up knowing that he is loved and cared for. Unlike me because if he doesn't get now it will be harder for him the rest of his life.I don't want Mercy to have so much power over me and worse part is she will probably just laugh at this. I want Dimitri to understand what love is. I want him to be better than me on the inside. 


I want to be able to talk to my girlfriend and feel that we love each other and not trying to hurt each other. I know that we aren't trying to hurt the other but it does happen. Today just hurts more than it has every. Maybe I my sexual addiction had it's hopes to high for this weekend. I don't know what to think, just feel betrayed. I don't think it is my girlfriend as it more myself that betrayed me. Too high expections on us. She got her limits and I got mine. I want her clean more than sex really, know women will think "ye right," but it is true. 


Song of the day Evanescence - Lose Control 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GyW0I-yjVE

hurting and learning

I'm hurting today because of the pain I caused my online girlfriend. We are trying to define what health sex is. It is difficult enough to do when you are together and having physical sex but online sex is worse. There is much to do together so that sex isn't topic subject on my mind. I was helping someone else for about 18 months, a woman, with sex therapy but the mistake was that I didn't focus on making sure other things were talked about. I wish I knew more about her but I'm not sure we can really talk now. I was sharing in a meeting today and she said hi and then left, it hurt more than if she hadn't said anything. I fucking hate the way it hurts because it's not her fault it's mine. Something can't be put back together but I hope we can still be good friends in the future. Part of the pain is that I have an online girlfriend and that seems to make the gap between us worse. I trying to give her the space she needs.

My online girlfriend finally got a sponsor yah but then my sexual addiction pressures her and she starts using hard again. I know that it is her choice but me pressuring makes it easier for her to keep using. We are working on staying honest about what is going on. Being in love with someone online that is in a different country make it difficult but not impossible.

Missing friends

I am really missing Mercy and Karin, just missing them. They became a nice part of my life. I don't think it is co-dependency just missing them.

Unfair

It unfair how women seem to be able to talk about sex and it's never rude, offensive or abusive. Men even start talking about sex seems like most of the time is abusive. Ok, is for me. Does that mean that I don't know how to talk or just pick the wrong women to talk about it. M is the the only woman that I have ever really talked to, with and problem in a way had sex, internet/verbal. Its probably like any friendship were sex between the two happens that the relationship changes. We still have relationship but it is stranded.
It changed because things have come up like did I abuse her and I feel kind of used. Not actually how to explain what happened. We were dealing with her abuse from her mum and uncle, pimp and wanting to enjoy sex with J, get more pleasure for her. During this time some stuff about me come up and entered the relationship about sex. To a degree part of it was that we probably talked to regularly. This was a time during the summer when it seem to me that J was pulling away big time from her and I wanted to protect her. Then this primal male ego thing kick in where I wanted her for myself, not real sure but do remember couple of weeks were the played in my head. The thoughts seemed to die a natural death because it wasn't very likely for me to get over there. When they started working it out I was sincerely happy.
Another problem was the fact that I haven't had sex with a woman in about 3 years. Now to honesty there was fantasies but never meant to have it happen because of her relationship with J. However, after mentioning once or twice that I would kind of like to her making notices so asked if I really wanted to. I felt shame and guilt because I did but I never thought it would happen. So, one Friday she was getting ready to go out with J and I was going to a campout and she would I like right then and was like huh? She go voice and pull out my cock. I really didn't know what to expect so I went voice and I could tell her breathing was excited like she was playing with herself. I wasn't ready and she playing with her and it seemed unreal then she said got off, I was in shock and didn't know what to do. I was confused all weekend because I could tell what to think. It was like did it make her do that (still not sure what to think), did I abuse her, did she just use me or what the fuck? I have to look at the it but couple of days after the campout it happened again and I was more prepared, kind of and it last longer.
I got stupid a few days later and asked to get pictures of her naked. It seemed like it was ok for to ask me if I wanted them or any of it but not ok for me to really ask. I agree with her that it is disrespectful of me to ask but I was working with the idea of what she said. So, now I am more aware of how much I am like the little kid learning to talk about sex with girls. When does one really learn to talk about sex with opposite sex? How do I really know when I'm not pushing to hard?
I know for me I am tired of the perfectionist view that people have of what Christianity looks like. People seem to think that my walk has to match their ideals and not my reality. I want to know the real me at all time dealing with sex or not. Christ created me for a reason and my addiction has destroyed that purpose and now I trusting Him to restore me to sanity of what He had planned for me and I believe that I have been pretty close since I got clean. I know that I am improving and no one can take that away from me. I know that I'm responsible all that happened in my life that has brought all this pain but I am responsible for making sure that I stay on the road to recovery. Recovery is life long process and grateful to know that. I am a man and child of God.
11/12/09 1:57 am

Understand

11/18/09 12:11 am

I finally figured out partly what was wrong for so long in my relationship with Mercy. I wasn’t really talking to anyone else online like I was with her and she was talking to lots of people on the Realm. Still not sure what I thought I was going to lose by going there but I can’t go back and change the past. I am just glad to understand what the really fuck up was on my part because now I understand the mistake and now I don’t hurt as bad. I understand that it was a mistake and we are moving on.

Being Left

Feeling rejection aren't as big of a deal today but being left alone are. Not so much being left alone as it is forgotten. Partly, in the fact, that I am no one important enough to notice. Secondly, because of my Hypokalemic Periodic Paralysis. Being afraid of being stuck in the same position for hours or even maybe days with no one even knowing. When people don't bother to come check on me to see how doing scares me and reinforces the feeling of unimportance. Feeling like everyone thinks it's all in my head builds because of it.
Panic beginnings to kick in after a few minutes when I with family and no one checks on me I remember as kid of feeling unimportant to the feeling and no one really cares about me. Why must I have to tell others that something is wrong? With true intimacy they would know emotional or physical they should know. Hate the fucking shit that say I have to say something to be noticed. Am I not important enough for people know me enough to know it without me saying anything?
11/12/09 11:26 am

Left With Thoughts

I don't want to be left with my thoughts

They scare me

As if they are nothing

Like I'm not important enough to have any real ones

What do thoughts show you about yourself

Do thoughts make you real

Can they make you into someone

What do you do if you are afraid of them

Does that make me unreal

I feel that that there is nothing real about me

What do I have to do or think to be real

Is there something I have to do

What is it

I want to be a real person

I want to be something that is real

I hear others talk about different kind of abuses

And that seems so real

I don't have anything that makes me real

I feel like I don't have a real life

I feel that people that were abused or abuse other people or things

Are real and I'm not

People get upset with me when I say things like that

But they don't know how that hurts me

It's like telling me that I only a puppet

But worse than Pinocchio

He was lucky enough to have hope for something

I do I get to hope for

There is nothing that seems real enough to hope for

It's like I have been told to hope for something

But then told I can not ever have it

It's like I'm a lie

And all I want is a lie

And all I am allowed is pain

Pain and emptiness is my lot

It's my lot and no one wants to understand

Even when I think someone wants to

They turn around and hurt me more

Telling me I a fool for wanting what they have

But what they have is so much more than what I have

I want something to make me real

Can no one understand that

Why is it so wrong?

Act Your age

I want to know what it means to act your fucking age. I was told a couple of days ago to act my age and like I have nearly 23 years of recovery. I fucking don't know what that means. I'm jealous of all the people that seem to get to act out sexually or pick up on newcomers. I want to be special the way I am but feel like everyone got exceptions of me but if I try one they tell me I can't do it. Why can't I try something different. I feel like everyone wants to keep in some kind of shell or cage.

What am I god. I feel like I'm suppose to be a stick in the mud or the best example of everything good and I don't fucking want it. I want to be human not a god.

song of the day, "Sweet Sacrifice," by Evanscence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1WqmTQMw_k

WOW belong

I went to my first f2f Sex Addict Anonymous (SAA) for me. I felt like I belonged and fit in. I know I belong in NA but I talked to a guy afterward who's story sound somewhat like mine. There 4 guys and 4 women and  I was scared of the women. Partly scared they thought I would try to hit on them and partly afraid they would hit on me. There was only one woman that I would of like to be hit on by and she had 63 days clean from sexual addiction. I wanted to talk to her and her what her addiction was but I knew that I want to be come her new object of obsession. She keep looking at while she talked and I did notice that she looked at me more than others but I believe that was because I was new. Anyway, I will be going back.

I am angry

I am angry because I feel cheated by life. I turned 44 yesterday and have almost 23 years clean and I am jobless, don't have my own place and do feel really connected to anyone. I have done everything I was suppose to do and everything seems to be taken away from me. I worked as much I could and treated my ex like a queen to what be fucked over. We were suppose to be in love for life and when I left she tells me that she had been trying for a year to get me to leave. I want to know that I'm someone that deserves good things but doesn't feel like I get anything real good. Like when I get a good friend I then something happens and they don't want to be around me.

Do I really know

Do I really know how to be a friend. I feel like I get to know someone then I chase them away by being to close or asking wrong questions. I asked someone that I know how they were doing and just wanted to check on them and I felt like I was slammed. It was a person that I talked to daily and for the last few months we haven't hardly talked and I understand that I need to have something to talk to them most of the time but checking on them once in a while sounds like a friend.

I also noticed that my memory is pretty bad now. I was told about things and was told that I had been told them before I don't remember every being told any of the stuff. I remember really very little of what we talked about during the two years or more. I starting to believe that health issues part of this problem. Three years ago I how pretty good memory now it seems to be failing.

My life right now is just kind of at a stand still and don't seem to have much going on in my life. Am I trying to live through others, I don't think so. I think I am still just being a friend.

Distance

I think I am going to try distance and it maybe also that others are doing the same thing. I decided not to go to a recovery site because someone I care for asked me to go there but now it feels that I'm going to go just see that person and not for anyone else.I meet one else there but I don't feel comfortable there anymore. Some day in the future when I can separate my feelings I can go there but not now. I wasn't and have been called a stoker but maybe in a way I am. I think that is creepiness I feel inside. Do I care too much, maybe but I don't what is  called. I trying to get an understanding of my feeling and thoughts which others seem to be able to understand in themselves. I feel like a freak and if I say how I feel I will trying to copy someone else.

How do I love and care without hurting or getting hurt?

Creepy

Mercy says I kind of creepy because of obsession with her. I can't deny it and wish I could. But, I feel the creepiness in me. It not about Mercy it's just that she feels it and can name it better than me. For me it is a feeling of not having anything in myself. Mercy has helped me to see somethings in me that are creepy. Had do I explain that I feel empty inside. She used to talk to me alot and helped feel the space inside me. I'm grateful that I know that isn't her job or anyone else's. I trust that Jesus will feel it and is revealing it to me. I feel like there is suppose to be something there but I don't know what it is. 


I feeling like sex, masturbation, is trying to feel it or block something. Sex thoughts are becoming a way to block the past from coming up. When I try to think of doing anyone sex wants to control my thoughts. It's hard to feel that I have a life of my own and when I talk about things that I really like it sounds like I'm copying others. I know that really do like to write and art and nobody can t tell it not me. I have lost touch with that part me since I was 14 years old but it starting to come back now. Going to go to a writer's club here this Saturday and see what it is. I want to find the real me a person I think has never really had a chance to be out.

Song for the day "Stand In the Rain," by Superchick. Thanks Karin for the idea of the song of the day it is a great idea.